


i don't wanna live anymore, chief

by ClementineKitten



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Everyone is gay pretty much, Gen, Nonbinary Fujisaki Chihiro, and theyre all losers, chat fic, cryptid hagakure, i have no explanation, im so sorry, ishimaru is so so pure, kuwata suffers, naegi is clueless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2019-11-04 13:56:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17899397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClementineKitten/pseuds/ClementineKitten
Summary: fujisaki makes a group chat. it goes as well as you may expect, and everyone bullies leon





	1. fujisaki said fuck work's humble origins

**Author's Note:**

> i regret nothing  
> maizono: hatsune miku  
> leon: 11037  
> fujisaki: pinky n the brain  
> oowada: town bicycle (gets around)  
> ishimaru: ishimaru  
> yamada: anime on main  
> celes: celestia  
> sakura: shaped like a friend  
> ikusaba: veterans discount  
> junko: fake ass hoe  
> naegi: high hopes  
> kirigiri: detective princess  
> fukawa: i've got fish to catch!  
> togami: togami  
> hagakure: 10/17  
> asahina: hydrosexual

**[pinky n the brain added Togami, high hopes, and 13 other students to the group chat]**

**pinky n the brain:** >;3c

**11037:** owo what's this

**hatsune miku:** leon if u ever say that again i'm going to beat you to death with your own shoes

**11037:** i swear to god if you kill me i'll die

**hatsune miku:** sounds ideal

**Ishimaru:** What is this, Fujisaki-kun?

**11037:** is the mad lad actually gon use honourifics in text

**town bicycle (gets around):** yes

**pinky n the brain:** ishi, it’s so we can communicate more easily! i thought it would be helpful

**Ishimaru:** That sounds wonderful! Thank you!

**11037:** so fresh….. so pure….. he has No Idea what we're going to do to him

**town bicycle (gets around):** kuwata if u do anything to him so help me naegi i will be forced to help maizono kill you

**fake ass hoe:** bottom abuse

**hatsune miku:** AHDJSKAJS

**high hopes:** “...so help me naegi?”

**pinky n the brain:** don't invoke the lord's name in vain

**high hopes:** what in the gosh darn

**Ishimaru:** What is going on?

**Ishimaru:** Naegi-kun is a lovely friend, but I do not know why you are equating him to a God!

**town bicycle (gets around):** kyoudai don't fight it

**pinky n the brain:** ishi i'd die for you

**Ishimaru:** Please don't!

**veterans discount:** the hell is this

**fake ass hoe:** it's a group chat muku-chan, obviously

**veterans discount:** take ur sass and put in in your pocket junko

**hatsune miku:** hello ikusaba-chan!!

**veterans discount:** hello maizono

**11037:** (oowada voice) gay

**veterans discount:** send yr location kuwata

**town bicycle (gets around):** fellas is it gay to introduce yourself?

**Togami:** Kuwata is currently occupying the library, in the back, reading manga.

**11037:** tOGAMI WTF???

**hatsune miku:** hah get dunked on

**Togami:** I care not for conversation with you people; I wish to dispel the issues in here ASAP so my phone doesn't keep buzzing. It's irritating, much like you lot.

**10/17:** toges comin thru in a clutch

**pinky n the brain:** who uses a semicolon in texts?

**high hopes:** hey hagakure

**10/17:** naegichi wus boppin dude

**high hopes:** uh… nothing much?

**10/17:** wicked cool, man

**veterans discount:** not to interrupt this meaningful conversation, but i went to the library just in time to see kuwata screaming and running away

**veterans discount:** like a little bitch

**hatsune miku:** L  M A    OO O

**Ishimaru:** Ikusaba-kun, you shan't use such language in this chat!

**veterans discount:** you're not my mom

**fake ass hoe:** i am

**fake ass hoe:** watch your fucking language

**put it in my donut hole** : why'd i just see kuwata run crying into the bathroom

**high hopes:** JESUS CHRIST ASAHINA YOUR NAME

**pinky n the brain:** A-ASAHINA??

**put it in my donut hole:** what in the sam hill i'm GONNA SCREAM

**put it in my donut hole changed their nickname to hydrosexual**

**pinky n the brain:** so much better the tears have been absorbed back into my body

**hydrosexual:** i bet it was yuuta why does he hate his big sister

**10/17:** we live in a society, huh…

**Celestia:** Hm? What is this?

**i've got fish to catch!:** y-yeah….

**fake ass hoe:** do you really need to stutter via text message

**i've got fish to catch!:** no one asked f-for your opinion….. slut……….

**pinky n the brain:** wow…

**Ishimaru:** Fukawa-kun, that's no way to address your classmates!

**11037:** #roasted

**hatsune miku:** ah so the bitch boy speaks

**hatsune miku:** are you still in the bathroom i will come find you

**11037:** ASHSJ SAYAKA IT'S THE BOYS BATHROOM

**hatsune miku:** gender identity is a prison

**pinky n the brain:** amen sister

**Ishimaru:** While I agree in part with your sentiment, Maizono-kun, you should not attack Kuwata-kun! To be honest, I don’t know what he did to anger you so much in the first place...

**11037:** thanks ishi you're the only motherfucker who can handle me

**pinky n the brain:** hey!! ishi is my nickname :((

**11037:** oh sweet jesus

**11037:** i can't tell if you're actually upset but i fear if you are you won't be stopped by the bathroom door you'll just phase through the wall and kill me

**high hopes:** fujisaki enables no clip mode

**pinky n the brain:** ASHSJAKJ NAEGI

**town bicycle (gets around):** chihi can, will, and is already on their way to tear u a new asshole

**detective princess:** what.

**detective princess:** I feel as if I've come in at a bad time

**high hopes:** hi kirigiri!!

**detective princess:** never mind, came in at a great time

**town bicycle (gets around):** ZERO FUCKIN HESITATION WOW

**fake ass hoe:** we love a confident sister

**high hopes:** oh okay???? do u need something

**detective princess:** hm

**detective princess:** yes, I have a letter to deliver you from the principal. can you come to saihara and I's room later?

**high hopes:** sure thing!!

**11037:** this man has the fifth highest grades in the class

**high hopes:**??

**11037:** n...nvm

**hydrosexual:** yo kiri why's that yr name?

**hatsune miku:** she's a phantom thief of hearts

**Ishimaru:** I highly doubt Kirigiri-san partakes in illegal activities.

**veterans discount:** ishimaru,, it's okay fam

**Celestia:** So… What have we accomplished in this little group chat thus far?

**pinky n the brain:** trapped leon in the bathroom, established naegi as a dumbass, got to listen to ishimaru being pure as always

**Celestia:** Business as usual, yes?

**pinky n the brain:** you got it, your highness!

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [3:28 P.M]**

 

**high hopes:** does anyone ever forget that ishimaru is,,,, ripped

**veterans discount:** tea

**town bicycle (gets around):** hell fucking yeah he is

**detective princess:** what brings this on, naegi?

**11037:** jealous?

**high hopes:** we had gym class today and we were in the change room and i? was kinda floored tbh

**high hopes:** like he’s always wearing his full body uniform, so it slips my mind

**hydrosexual:** a buddy of mine said that ishimaru had an eight pack. that ishimaru was ripped

**high hopes:** HE IS!

**hydrosexual:** goals tbh

**hydrosexual:** actually sakura is goals and then you ishimaru

**shaped like a friend:** thank you, Aoi.

**hydrosexual:** <33

**11037:** naegi: had my gay awakening in the hope's peak gym

**high hopes:** H M

**town bicycle (gets around):** you know if i had to choose someone to have my gay awakening with it'd be taka

**11037:** “““if”””

**pinky n the brain:** just guys bein dudes!

**town bicycle (gets around):** YO SHUT THE HELL YOUR MOUTH

**detective princess:** wow

**detective princess:** this devolved quicker than I would have thought

**Ishimaru:** While I think this is an inappropriate avenue of discussion, I appreciate your flattery!

**Ishimaru:** Your words are very kind, Kyoudai!

**hydrosexual:** swing and a miss *shrug emoji*

**11037:** did you really just type shrug emoji

**hatsune miku:** sometimes it really do be that way

**town bicycle (gets around):** you’re welc brother

**pinky n the brain:** y’all ever wanna call ishi “kiyo” then remember there’s that underclassman who goes by that

**10/17:** yeah shingooj

**town bicycle (gets around):** the fuckin underclassmen are wack asf

**pinky n the brain:** iruma and i talk sometimes bc we’re both Tech Kids™ and she is… an experience

**town bicycle (gets around):** once i caught her stealing shit from my motorcycle in her underwear?

**high hopes:** i found her in mine and komaeda's lab once, not really doing anything… just sitting… with weird goggles on

**11037:** fuckin komaeda

**detective princess:** what about him?

**11037:** yknow sometimes you just have to let my sentiments lie kirigiri

**hatsune miku:** “fuckin komaeda” -kuwata leon, 2019

**11037:** do you only come in here to bully me

**hatsune miku:** yes

**fake ass hoe:** how romantic uwu

**hatsune miku:** smells suspiciously heterosexual… which i am not

**11037:** dam friendzoned again… 😔

**anime on main:** pardon my intrusion, but i'd like to put in that iruma miu sama frequents my lab to steal my doujin. the weird shit, too

**10/17:** wassup fumi

**veterans discount:** you're a rare sight

**anime on main:** yeah, too busy jackin off 2 talk

**fake ass hoe:** you see, i can rarely tell if you're joking or not because of your less than wholesome habits

**anime on main:** schrödinger's dick joke, decide for yourself

**pinky n the brain:** asgajskdnd

**anime on main:** anyways, i must be going. i have other matters to attend do

**11037:** such as, making the bald man cry

**anime on main:** respect women, crank it to 2d

**hatsune miku:**...and like a flame that flickers out too soon, he’s gone

**hydrosexual:** an inspiration to all

**Ishimaru:** This is not welcome in a school environment.


	2. she's both a syo and a no syo (haha)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fujisaki relays the Gonta Story, the (wo)man, the myth, the legend, genocider syo appears, and togami is a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't take any of this seriously i beg you

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [5:44 P.M]**

 

**pinky n the brain:** gonta is the most pure soul in this entire school

**11037:** who dat i got chronic dumbass disease

**hydrosexual:** felt 

**veterans discount:** big buff bug kid

**11037:** ah yes the Boy

**Ishimaru:** Why do you bring this up, Fujisaki-kun?

**pinky n the brain:** when i was walking outside after class, i accidentally stepped on a beetle. and me being me, i lowkey highkey started to cry

**hydrosexual:** you’re so sweet, bless

**pinky n the brain:** and gonta comes up next to me with his hulking 6 and a half feet form and bends down next to my 4’10 ass and asks “what wrong fujisaki-kun?’

**pinky n the brain:** and i am MORTIFIED that the shsl entomologist has just walked in on me in the process of MURDERING THIS POOR BUG

**fake ass hoe:** *nanami voice* f

**veterans discount:** yknow junko just cuz you can't feel emotions doesn't mean you need to insult those that can 

**hydrosexual:** WHOA W H AT T HE  FU KC

**hatsune miku:** sister snapped!

**fake ass hoe:** suck my toes

**11037:** okay 

**fake ass hoe:** not you kinky bitch 

**town bicycle (gets around):** chihi was in the middle of a story so kindly shut your fuckin mouths 

**hatsune miku:** sorry dad 

**pinky n the brain:** thanks mondo •u• anyways, back to me crying,

**11037:** kin 

**hatsune miku:** leon do you need to talk about something 

**pinky n the brain:** i splutter out broken japanese abt what happened and he looks really concerned and goes “oh no! little bug got hurt? gonta will help!”

**hydrosexual:** love that funky little caveman speaking bud

**pinky n the brain:** with the tenderness of a huggies diaper he leans down, scoops it up very gently into his hands, and whispers “it okay bug friend. gonta will fix you”

**pinky n the brain:** then he goes, “fujisaki-kun, do you want to see gonta fix bug? make you feel better?” so i say yes and he HAULS ME ONTO HIS SHOULDERS and i go watch him do bug surgery and then he hugs me and off i go

**hatsune miku:** literally the two purest forces on the world meet and what ensues is this adorable story 

**high hopes:** i agree!! gonta is so sweet and so are you fujisaki!!

**11037:** i feel like i just did a skin care routine bc i'm cleansed rn

**Ishimaru:** That is a lovely story, Fujisaki-kun!

**pinky n the brain:** uwu

**11037:** owo

**hydrosexual:** ^w^

**shaped like a friend:** -w-

**hatsune miku:** uwu speak is how they're gonna get us to submit to the new world order

**town bicycle (gets around):** such is life 

**high hopes:** yo uh, has anyone seen fukawa lately? ko can't get her on the phone 

**Togami:** No, purposefully so.

**fake ass hoe:** prolly sulking in her den

**of course i cum fast:** WHATS UP SLUTS

**detective princess:** oh no

**pinky n the brain:** seconded!!

**of course i cum fast:** YOU CALLED FOR ME AND SO I APPEAR WHATS POPPIN BIG MAC

**11037:** did she fr make a second account for syo 

**hatsune miku:** smart

**high hopes:** uhhh…. any chance fukawa is comin back soon?

**of course i cum fast:** HELL NO 

**of course i cum fast:** MISS MOROSE IS TRYNA WRITE SOME STEAMY EROTICA.. SO I’M HELPING WITH THE EROTICA

**hydrosexual: *** in my own voice* f

**of course i cum fast:** YOU THINK SHED BE MAD IF……….. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER MAIN CHARACTER

**high hopes:** does it ever bother you that hope's peak knowingly harbours a serial killer? just a little bit?

**of course i cum fast:** I FUCKED YOUR SISTER SHIT LIPS

**high hopes:** WHAT??

**11037:** asdAHDJ

**anime on main:** nanda yo??

**fake ass hoe:** can i get an oof in the chat 

**of course i cum fast:** jk jk big mac miss morose ain't gettin any 

**of course i cum fast:** and i think hall monitor would kill me for my illicit activities

**Togami:** Calm down, Naegi. I can hear your quickened pulse from my room.

**Ishimaru:** Naegi-kun, though I do hold my reservations about less… wholesome talents, I believe that Kirigiri-san admitted all of them for a reason!

**hydrosexual:** bruh it throws me off when you call the headmaster by his surname makes me think you're talkin abt kyouko

**high hopes:** hmmm……

**Ishimaru:** After all, Kyoudai's talent is pretty unorthodox, and I cannot imagine life at Hope's Peak without him! :)

**town bicycle (gets around):** my eyes are sweating right now

 

**pinky n the brain changed Ishimaru's name to: element**

 

**11037:** ??

**pinky n the brain:** pure substance 

**shaped like a friend:** Now that I think about it, there are many students at our school have unconventional talents 

**hatsune miku:** celes is an underground gambler 

**Celestia:** Which I take in stride. Naegi has his luck, no? I have mine.

**11037:** ikusaba is literally in the army 

**veterans discount:** i've covered wars you know

**pinky n the brain:** ouma is a dictator isn't he?

**detective princess:** kuzuryuu is a yakuza 

**of course i cum fast!:** preeeeetty sure one of the freshies is a fuckin assassin and yall get on MY CASE for murder smh 

**high hopes:** i think i saw komaeda and his boyfriend committing arson the other day 

**11037:** just teenager things <3

**hatsune miku:** lms if you want a relationship like this 😍

**hydrosexual:** i don't think they're actually dating??

**shaped like a friend:** Could've fooled me

**11037:** “ah… hinata-kun… would you put up with my presence for a while so we can burn down this building together?”

**of course i cum fast!:** save it for your komaeda roleplay blog, trent reznor 

**high hopes:** i did not want to read that today!

**pinky n the brain:** i think naegi is the og komaeda kin

**high hopes:** i  d i d  n o t w a n t  t o r e a d t h a t  t o d a y !

**fake ass hoe:** me neither, god

**Togami:** Arson is a pretty bold first date option.

**of course i cum fast!:** hewwo byakuya-sama ;)

**Togami:** I think not.

**of course i cum fast!:** yr loss hot stuff <3

**veterans discount:** *slides into yr dms like “my love for you isn't the only thing that's burning ;)”*

**hatsune miku:** *replies “my loins are, too ;;)))”*

**high hopes:** wOW

**of course i cum fast!:** nice one, vocaloid, i'll have to save it for later 

**veterans discount:** insert keysmash

**town bicycle (gets around):** smoother than butter

**hydrosexual:** forreal kirigiri, how have you not arrested any of these people yet 

**detective princess:** direct orders from the headmaster. he's never been a fan of me doing my job

**detective princess:** though, that's none of your concern 

**anime on main:** doth mine ears detect animosity?

**detective princess:** what makes you suggest such a thing?

**town bicycle (gets around):** yikes emoji

**high hopes:** lol guys she's just saying that the headmaster doesn't want her work getting in the way of talent observation 

**hydrosexual:** ahhh i getcha 

**11037:** i'm picking up what you're putting down 

**pinky n the brain:** i'm smelling what you're stepping in 

**detective princess:** yes, what naegi said

 

**naegi makoto > kirigiri kyouko (kirigiri appreciation zone 😤)**

 

**eggiest:** you good?

**murder kink:** yeah, i'm fine 

**murder kink:** thanks for covering for me 

**eggiest:** always!! :D <3

**murder kink:** …. <3

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [6:09 P.M]**

 

**of course i cum fast!:** ALL IM SAYING IS THAT IF TEACHERS CAN COMMIT A WAR CRIME BY USING GROUP PUNISHMENT THEY SHOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR IT 

**element:** We are *not* killing the faculty for violating the Geneva Convention!

**high hopes:** i left the chat for ten seconds?

**11037:** welcome back, my son

**of course i cum fast!:** BIG MAC THOUGHTS ON CAPITAL PUNISHMENT Y/N

**high hopes:** …..n?

**of course i cum fast!:** coward 

**town bicycle (gets around):** if you can't take the crime don't do the crime 

**veterans discount:** i remember one time i was doing research for a psych project and i found out that in america some of their electric chairs called Old Sparky

**11037:** OLD SPARKYAJKSHSJ

 

**pinky n the brain changed their nickname to old sparky**

 

**old sparky:** bzzt bzzt bitch

**town bicycle (gets around):** sit on them and they'll kill you 

**element:** Fujisaki-kun, language!

**old sparky:** sorry dad

**detective princess:** I may not be able to arrest you but I'm still judging you 

**Celestia:** Oo, I can feel your glare.

**Celestia:** I suggest trial by fire?

**old sparky:** fat disagree

**Celestia:** Your loss.

**11037:** never thought i would hear celes advocate for battery of the defendant 

**high hopes:** that sounds like a bad thing

**Togami:** In the words of Fujisaki, “fat disagree.”

**11037:** t….togami?

**10/17:** just leave him be hes doing that thing where he reads about serial killers and then wants to kill everyone

**detective princess:** it worries me that this is a regular occurance 

**shaped like a friend:** Are you two together?

**Togami:** No.

**10/17:** yeah he's in my room i'm making a salt circle around him

**Togami:** I'm leaving.

**11037:** i think when togami is mentioned it invokes the celestial being hagakure yasuhiro 

**hatsune miku:** hagakure hagakure come alive!!

**10/17:** here i am 2 sell u drugs 

**10/17:** wow toges just straight up left huh

**hatsune miku:** i like how when togami got to hope's peak he said “i refuse to make friends with you cretins” and now he's summoning demons with the clairvoyant who's been held back for 5 000 years 

**10/17:** that’s just how it be

**high hopes:** hey!! togami and i are friends!!

**Togami:** I resent that statement.

**high hopes:** :(((((

**old sparky:** how DARE you make naegi upset

**Togami:** What are you gonna do, fight me with your child hands?

**town bicycle (gets around):** FIGHT ME ASSHOLE

**town bicycle (gets around):** I'LL FUCKIN KILL YOU WITH MY BIG MAN HANDS. MADE FOR STRANGLIN

**element:** Please calm down, Kyoudai! However, Togami-kun, provoking Fujisaki-kun is unacceptable!

**Togami:** Lmao.

 

**detective princess changed Togami's name to bitch boy**

 

**bitch boy:** Wow.

**11037:** an improvement, honestly 

**veterans discount:** agreed

**element:** Kirigiri-kun…

**detective princess:** 🤷♀️

**fake ass hoe:** slay

**high hopes:** syo hasn't talked in a while… is she okay?

**high hopes:** i know she’s like Dramatic and all but she’s our friend

**11037:** maybe she passed out

**shaped like a friend:** I'll check on her, if you'd like

**hydrosexual:** i'll come with you!!

**bitch boy:** No need.

**bitch boy:** If my deductions are correct she will appear in 3, 2, 1--

**i've got fish to catch!:** what?

**11037:** she's well trained

**hydrosexual:** don’t say it like that kuwata, that’s mean

**11037:** togami’s knowledge of fuck all led him to make an accurate guess as to fukawa’s actions

**hatsune miku:** better

**i’ve got fish to catch!:** what do you want from me…

**high hopes:** komaru’s worried about you… you weren’t answering her texts or calls

**i’ve got fish to catch!:** ugh, she’s so clingy. i was in the middle of writing a scene, that’s all

**element:** Ah, are you working on another novel? That’s wonderful!

**high hopes:** awesomeee you’re gonna let me read it first right?

**i’ve got fish to catch!:** …...if you behave like a good little boy

**high hopes:** i see

**veterans discount:** i didn’t know you two were that close

**high hopes:** since her and komaru are besties, i got to know her a lot more!

**i’ve got fish to catch!:** stop acting like you’re into me

**detective princess:** he’s just being polite

**11307:** lMAO kiri

**10/17:** not to interrupt this riveting conversation but toges HAS returned to his rightful place

**hatsune miku:** ,,,, your room?

**10/17:** he stole my chair

**bitch boy:** Oh, my sincerest condolences. 

**high hopes:** i can’t even *see* him and the sarcasm in that made me wince

**10/17:** and so i’ve been relegated to the floor…..

**11037:** you have a bed, don’t you?

**10/17:** you don’t know my life

**bitch boy:** One day, you’ll perish.

**high hopes:** but that day is not today :)

**old sparky:** sum up naegi and togami’s personalities in one conversation

**hatsune miku:** naegi: flourish my cherished friends :)

**11037:** togami: your face is not worthy enough to kiss my ass

**bitch boy:** Well, it’s true.

**detective princess:** refer to the nickname, togami.

**hatsune miku:** naegi is literally the sweetest man in the world tho 

**high hopes:** MAIZONO????

**veterans discount:** yeah, naegi is cool 

**high hopes:** IKUSABA????

**fake ass hoe:** NAEGI????

**11037:** ENOSHIMA????

**town bicycle (gets around)** : CHIHI????

**old sparky:** MONDO????

**element:** ISHIMARU!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY WE’RE SAYING NAMES BUT I WANT TO BE INCLUDED!!!!

**hydrosexual:** i saw a man so pure i started crying

**town bicycle:** yeh same

**i’ve got fish to catch:** i wish i stayed syo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started listening to welcome to night vale and hey what the fuck  
> i actually learned that tidbit about old sparky when i was researching bundy for a project, back before a bunch of weirdos started thinking he was hot  
> thank you for reading <3 now, to get back to my komaeda analysis,


	3. leon the love doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kuwata uses the power of peer pressure, naegi takes a stand, ikusaba gets love and support. and togami is there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have not done maizono or kuwata's ftes, for your information  
> and for all the times i reference it i have never watched bbc sherlock

**maizono sayaka > kuwata leon (bitch & snack) [2:27 P.M]**

 

**pipimi:** LEON I’M HAVING A CRISIS

**popuko:** let me guess

**popuko:** since we literally saw each other two minutes ago in gym class, i’m assuming it has something to do with that. and as i also saw you enter the change room, i’m guessing you saw ikusaba in all her soldiery muscly glory and you don’t know what to do with yourself

**pipimi:** YEAHHHHHH

**popuko:** well call me in love with naegi because i’m the real shsl detective in this bih

**pipimi:** DON’T BE SNARKY WITH ME BITCH I’M DYING

**popuko:** why don’t you, like, ask her out

**pipimi:** wow, thanks for the advice, sherlock. tell me how that works out when the guy you’re in love with marries a woman instead of your sweet ass

**pipimi:** of *course* i wanna ask her out, but i dunno if she’s into that type of thing. i don’t know if she’s even into girls

**popuko:** headmaster kirigiri doesn’t admit you if you’re straight

**pipimi:** maybe ikusaba lied on her forms!!

**popuko:** oh my god

**popuko:** why don’t you just go up to her and ask “hey pretty lady wanna fuck”

**pipimi:** because i’m not a freak like you are

**popuko:** rude i am beloved by all :(

**pipimi:** when i had a crush on naegi at the beginning of the year, i was like ALL IN no shyness no nothing what happened

**popuko:** maybe you didn’t really like LIKE naegi and only fell for him because he treated you like a person and not an idol, and now you’re in a class of fuckin weirdos who don’t give a shit and your bi ass broadened your horizons

**pipimi:** wow that was oddly insightful what the hell

**popuko:** i am a very smart man sayaka. now go get your girl. oowada and i are going to play imessage games

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [3:23 P.M]**

 

**town bicycle (gets around):** hello mothers and fuckers

**old sparky:** am i the f*cker

**town bicycle (gets around):** this nickname is too wordy

 

**town bicycle (gets around) changed their name to yeck in a heck**

 

**old sparky:** what does that mean?

 

**yeck in a heck:** i heard ouma say it the other day and i can't fucking get it out of my head

**hydrosexual:** can you imagine being in a class with him?? chabashira. hates him

**yeck in a heck:** of course she does

**detective princess:** he and saihara are friends

**element:** I do not like to harbor grudges, but I spend far too much time disciplining Ouma-kun!

**old sparky:** *ishimaru when he sees ouma breaking school policy* so long, gay bowser

**yeck in a heck:** FFFFFF

**11037:** AKSJDJN FUJISAKI

**high hopes:** isn’t that ishimaru with most of the students he catches running in the halls?

**10/17:** everyone here is gay bowser… in a sense, we are all one

**11037:** you’re dry bowser grandpa

**10/17:** uncalled for

**bitch boy:** Completely deserved.

**hatsune miku:** hey guys

**veterans discount:** hi!

**10/17:** you propose a theorem and then you prove it

**hatsune miku:** ikusaba!! i was looking for you earlier

**veterans discount:** ...why

**hatsune miku:** um… i got sum stuff from sensei that i was supposed to hand over, from the day you missed

 

**bitch & snack > [3:29 P.M]**

 

**popuko:** mmm nice one, save some ass for the rest of us babe

**pipimi:** SHUT YOUR HELL

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work >**

 

**veterans discount:** cool. i’m hanging out in my dorm room

**hatsune miku:** see u soon! <3

**yeck in a heck:** there’s this cool thing called direct messages that you can use

**old sparky:** no mondo it’s okay… i like to observe

**element:** Good job, Maizono-kun! Keeping up on school work is very important.

**hatsune miku:** oh ishimaru, you know i’d never let my fellow classmates fall behind

**element:** How wonderful!

**shaped like a friend:** If you ever need help with your workload due to extenuating circumstances, Ikusaba, I’m more than willing to help out

**veterans discount:** oh,, thanks

**fake ass hoe:** ugh, displays of affection. i’m over it

**veterans discount:** let me live my life junko

**fake ass hoe:** no you’re boring

**high hopes:** you shouldn’t be so rude to your sister, enoshima

**fake ass hoe:** u can’t tell me what to do 

**high hopes:** maybe not! but i can be disappointed in you :)

**hydrosexual:** OH DIP DANG

**yeck in a heck:** NAEGI TAKES A STAND

**old sparky:** naegi kills his classmate (2019, colourized)

**high hopes:** never!! but ikusaba is a very good friend and i don’t like seeing her get put down

**hatsune miku:** seconded

**veterans discount:** really guys, it’s okay. i’m free any time maizono

**hatsune miku:** if you say so…

**detective princess:** wow, I didn’t think naegi was capable of appearing threatening. I’m surprised

**11037:** (and turned on)

**detective princess:** I can make your death look like a heart attack

**bitch boy:** For the record, so can I.

**detective princess:** didn’t ask

**bitch boy:** And yet you receive.

**hydrosexual:** is it just me or is it awkward now

**10/17:** it’s only awkward if you let it be, hinachiiii

**11037:** hell yes listen to the chakra master

**11037:** nothing is awkward ha Ha ha

**hydrosexual:** kuwata…

**11037:** everything is Normal

**yeck in a heck:** you sound like how you act if your mom just caught you searching for cup noodle porn 

**high hopes:** HEY

**old sparky:** MONDO AHDJHD 

**element:** Kyoudai!! 

**high hopes:** SLANDER

**11037:** WHY ARE YOU REACTING SO STRONGLY NAEGI

**high hopes:** LISTEN.

**11037:** _ @detective princess  _ U KNOW WHAT TO DO 

**high hopes:** KUWATA SHUT UP OR IM GONNA SAY THE F WORD

**hydrosexual:** hype hype hype 

**bitch boy:** Fornicate.

**bitch boy changed their name to Stop DMing me**

**old sparky:** togami,, why are you like this 

**high hopes:** you can't stop me >:)

**Stop DMing me:** My finger is on the block button.

**shaped like a friend:** Togami, I'm sure you know that won't stop him 

**Stop DMing me:** Nip it in the bud.

**fake ass hoe:** tag yourself i'm the fact that kirigiri read that and said Nothing

**detective princess:** how would I even respond 

**high hopes:** I'M SO SORRY

**element:** You should be!

 

**ikusaba mukuro > naegi makoto, kirigiri kyouko (team cool kids) [3:35 P.M]**

 

**is that a knife in your pocket:** HELP.

**huh?:** ARE YOU OKAY??

**huh?:** ARE YOU PHYSICALLY INJURED

**stop get some help:** did maizono come in your room and break your ankles? bc if so I'm going to need witness testimony and physical evidence

**huh?:** maizono wouldn’t do that

**is that a knife in your pocket:** NO. I’M JUST.

**is that a knife in your pocket:** MAIZONO ASKED ME ON A DATE

**huh?:** WHAT

**stop get some help:** finally

**is that a knife in your pocket:** did someone put her up to this. was it kuwata

**stop get some help:** I think she’s just making a move ikusaba

**huh?:** PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAID YES

**is that a knife in your pocket:** i mean,, yeah 

**is that a knife in your pocket:** but she's this cute perfect idol girl, and i'm just a soldier who has been surrounded by death for years. that's… who i am. maizono has her band and her adoring fans and tons of friends and i'm just the shsl fashionista's sister, that's all 

**is that a knife in your pocket:** why is she asking ME out, and not someone like junko, who has everything, who's pretty and funny. i'm… not good enough for someone like her 

**huh?:** ikusaba, no. if maizono is asking you out, it means she likes the REAL YOU-- the shy, quiet, talented soldier girl. nothing more, nothing less. and you're pretty great, so don't sell yourself short :) !

**stop get some help:** what naegi said. maizono may be a little ditzy, but she's got heart. she didn't ask out enoshima because she doesn't like her. she asked out ikusaba mukuro because she does.

**is that a knife in your pocket:** ...ok. thanks you two

 

**bitch & snack >**

 

**pipimi:** i did it BITCH

**popuko:** that's my girl. now can you get me a cute girlfriend too? i’ll pay you

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work >**

 

**old sparky:** i'm tommy!

**yeck in a heck:** i'm ethan!

**element:** And I'm Jerome!

**old sparky:** here's a one way ticket to the

**hatsune miku:** blonde boy zone

**yeck in a heck:** MAIZONO YOU RUINED OUR FLOW

**hatsune miku:** an entrance befitting of a queen :)

**element:** Welcome back, Maizono-kun! Does Ikusaba-kun have all her papers?

**hatsune miku:** you bet, class prez. have i ever disappointed you?

**element:** ...No

**yeck in a heck:** the heSITATION

**old sparky:** OOOOOF

**hatsune miku:** okay wow i see i’m unwanted

**veterans discount:** incorrect

**11037:** yeah who’s gonna teach me how to sing like the vocaloid pop idol of my dreams if you’re gone

**hatsune miku:** i can only trust ikusaba,,,

**11037:** binch what about ME

**hatsune miku:** y’all hear summin…?

**11037:** okay alright i see how it be

**yeck in a heck:** i can’t believe kuwata’s fucking dead 

**old sparky:** togami will pay for the funeral……

**Stop DMing me:** I think not.

**shaped like a friend:** I’ll cover it

**11037:** the ARROGANCE. the AUDACITY

**11037:** sayaka i’m never helping you with anything ever again

**11037:** leon the love doctor is out of business :/

**veterans discount:** huh

**hatsune miku:** LEON. I AM GOING TO GAME END YOU

**yeck in a heck:** back in the bathroom for you…..

**fake ass hoe:** sucks to suck……………

**fake ass hoe:** ….bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe if you're canadian you get why hagakure's nickname is That. maybe you don't. who am i to assume?  
> the two classic abridged series are faulerro's danganronpa and 50% and YES i will reference them until i die  
> sorry if this got Somewhat Serious. fun fact though, i do actually know how to make a death look like a heart attack  
> thanks for reading! <33 tunglr is @sai-haras


	4. hagakure's close encounters with the gay kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hagakure relays a riveting tale about an encounter with the unknown, oowada has a gay panic, and ishimaru fuckin dies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's no schedule for this but sorry for the gap! i have no excuse  
> and YES i know what senpai and kouhai actually entails don't roast me

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [6:48 A.M]**

 

**10/17 changed their name to SECOND COMING**

 

**SECOND COMING:** THIS IS NOT A DRILL

**SECOND COMING:** I REPEAT. THIS. IS. NOT. A. DRILL. MY FRIENDS

**SECOND COMING:** I HAVE MADE CONTACT.

**yeck in a heck:** hagakure it’s fucking 7am on a sunday

**yeck in a heck:** what the fuck do you want

**old sparky:** ooooo touchy aren’t we

**yeck in a heck:** it’s spelled touche and why the fuck are you awake chihi

**old sparky:** i………. have not slept

**element:** Fujisaki-kun, that is highly irresponsible! Sleep is very important for teenagers!

**old sparky:** it gets lonely being a god

**yeck in a heck:** yeah and

**old sparky:** i had an anxiety attack and couldn’t sleep so i’ve been coding since 11pm

**old sparky:** good news, i got a huge amount of programming done for souda and i’s collaboration!

**old sparky:** bad news, i think i can taste colours and my body is literally tv static in physical form

**yeck in a heck:** shit man you alright? you need to talk?

**element:** Kyoudai and I are always there when you need us!

**old sparky:** it’s appreciated. jus got overwhelmed

**SECOND COMING:** OVERWHELMED YOU SAY?

**SECOND COMING:** MY DEAR FUJISAKICHI THAT WAS NOT WHELM OF OVER. THAT WAS

**SECOND COMING:** T H E M.

**shaped like a friend:** What’s going on?

**hydrosexual:** translation: the fuck?

**SECOND COMING:** LAST NIGHT, OVER YONDER, I SAW THE LIGHT

**SECOND COMING:** EXTRATERRESTRIALS 

**yeck in a heck:** oh here we fucking go 

**SECOND COMING:** THIS IS SERIOUS, OOWACHI. THE UFO PASSED OVER ME

**hydrosexual:** hagakure is…… katy perry

**shaped like a friend:** Explain?

**hydrosexual:** wants to fuck an alien

**old sparky:** keysmash

**yeck in a heck:** did u really type keysmash instead of hitting your keyboard

**old sparky:** my brain no worky. logic donut compute

**SECOND COMING:** NO, NO, NO HINACHI. DON’T TRUST THE ALIENS. DO NOT ENGAGE

**SECOND COMING:** THE OCCULT IS BULLCRAP

**element:** Hagakure-kun, is there a point to this story?

**SECOND COMING:** there IS, ishichi, if you people would STOP INTERRUPTING ME 

**yeck in a heck:** for all intents and purposes, my b

**SECOND COMING:** ANYWAYS! the ufo (unidentified flying object) passed right over me and a beam of light came down, 100% facts it was freaky

**hydrosexual:** did you really just extend ufo for us

**SECOND COMING:** as soon as the beam touched me, the 500 000 dollar crystal ball inside my pocket SHATTERED for real

**element:** Why did you have a crystal ball in your pocket?

**SECOND COMING:** you never know when you need to perform divinations ishichi

**SECOND COMING:** i reached into my pocket and the glass SCRATCHED ME. i was bleeding all over i have the minion-themed bandaids to prove it. IT WAS THE ALIENS.

**yeck in a heck:** are you sure it’s not because that crystal ball was probably from fucking walmart and had a shelf price of like four dollars

**SECOND COMING:** the hell’s walmart, i got this from a tent in a back alleyway from a real descendant of god

**old sparky:** walmart? y’know…. they’re all over america?

**SECOND COMING:** we live in japan

**old sparky:** huh?

**SECOND COMING:** BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT. alright you smartiepantses, if it wasn't a ufo, what the hell did i see??? think about THAT, you heathens 

**hydrosexual:** how high are you 

**SECOND COMING:** like six feet

**yeck in a heck:** how have you survived this long

**SECOND COMING:** still waiting for an answer…

**shaped like a friend:** I find this hard to believe. Isn't it possible that you were dreaming?

**SECOND COMING:** i'm hurt ogre, that you think i'm that delusional that i mess up dreams with reality

**hydrosexual:** i mean.

**yeck in a heck:** you're a fucking idiot hagakure

**SECOND COMING:** HEY ISHICHI YOUR BOYFRIEND IS INSULTING ME HELP ME OUT HERE

**yeck in a heck:** i beg your fucking pARDon

**SECOND COMING:** beg.

**element:** If you're referring to Kyoudai, he and I are not in a relationship!

**element:** Have we… Done something to suggest otherwise?

**yeck in a heck:** NO WE HAVE NOT

**yeck in a heck:** WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT BEING BROS

**old sparky:** one word. sauna

**element:** Hanging out at a hot springs is not a big thing!

**hydrosexual:** well i'm sure SOMEONE saw a big thing… not naming names though ;)

**yeck in a heck:** hhhnnnrnn ASAHINA I WILL KILL YOU

**hydrosexual:** do it no balls

**shaped like a friend:** Oowada, are you threatening my girlfriend? :)

**yeck in a heck:** oh shiT

**element:** Fujisaki-kun, why is Kyoudai getting so upset? 

**old sparky:** am i really at liberty to disclose that 

**element:** I'm always eager to learn!

**yeck in a heck:** chihi don't do me dirty like this

**SECOND COMING:** hinachi’s sayin oowachi saw your dick, my man

**element:** Oh.

**yeck in a heck:** you're DEAD

**old sparky:** auskhdj

**element:** Oh?

**yeck in a heck:** kyOUDAI DON'T LISTEN

**element:** Uhm.

**element:** I have to go.

**hydrosexual:** fatality 

**yeck in a heck:** HAGAKURE YOURE DEAD EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

**SECOND COMING:** you can't kill me 

**SECOND COMING:** eat ass gotta blAST

**yeck in a heck:** YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED YOU MOTHERFUCKER

**old sparky:** ,,, oh my Lord

**hydrosexual:** you know he dead 

**yeck in a heck:** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

**shaped like a friend:** …

**shaped like a friend:** You know, when I think about it, isn't “second coming” used with religious connotations?

**old sparky:** dunno. kinda wanted to hear the end of hagakure's story though

**SECOND COMING:** soon, small fujichi

**old sparky:** scintillating 

**hydrosexual:** wow celes really watched this whole mess and didn't say anything 

**Celeste:** Execution ceases to become a spectator sport if you put yourself up onto the gallows.

**old sparky:** jesus christ

**shaped like a friend:** Yes, Jesus, that's the one

**hydrosexual:** wow celes i think that's the scariest thing you've said all week

**Celeste:** Disappointing. I'll surely work harder

**hydrosexual:** damn queen 

 

**senpai, kouhai > [7:04 A.M]**

 

**the twainee:** hey mondo you good?

**the twainer:** i’m gonna light hagakure’s hair on fire

**the twainee:** why are you so mad lmao? 

**the twainee:** it’s just hagakure being hagakure he’s,, not the brightest

**the twainer:** uuuGGGHHHHH that asshole freaked kyoudai out i’m gonna punch his fuckin lights out

**the twainee:** you know i don’t think ishi was mad he just seemed overwhelmed

**the twainee:** i think he could get 100% on a test about the functions of the reproductive system and still not know what sex is

**the twainer:** YOU shouldn’t know what sex is you’re a pure precious child

**the twainee:** you’re younger than me, the senpai in this relationship is me

**the twainer:** shit u rite

**the twainer:** when we had that fucking sauna battle he said ur gonna drop down in front of me, i’ll show u where to do it

**the twainee:** that’s gay

**the twainer:** well man i don’t freakin know!!! kyoudai said he never really had a lot of friends which is fucking crazy because he’s smart and cool AND hot so maybe he fuckin uhhhhhhh doesn’t know how to act in a friendship??

**the twainer:** and when y’all think we’re being r o m an t ic  he’s just trying to be a great friend?

**the twainer:** and he really doesn’t want to be in a relationship? shit chihi what if he’s not into dudes at all should i tell him i’m into his sweet ass? would that be what he wants even if he doesn’t feel the same?? would he want me to be honest???? AUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK

**the twainee:** you’re spiraling mondo jus breathe 

**the twainer:** god i hate feeling so fucking,,,, weak and unsure

**the twainee:** kin

**the twainer:** shut up chihi yr stronger than the whole class

**the twainee:** yknow that was really sweet and ilu but this is about YOU and you and ishi’s big gay adventure

**the twainer:** chihiiiiii >:(((

**the twainee:** wild suggestion: go talk to him

**the twainer:** you’re too fuckin sassy i’m a bad influence on you

**the twainee:** maybe so but like… you n i should know better than anyone that problems don’t get solved without confronting them

**the twainer:** can u not delve into my weaknesses thank

**the twainee:** come on mondo go get your man

**the twainee:** go be gay

**the twainer:** hrnnnnn

**the twainee:** let’s rock n roll, minecraft villager

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [11:39 A.M]**

 

**veterans discount:** you ever feel insecure that the other classes are gayer than us

**veterans discount:** i walked by komaeda and ouma in the courtyard and almost choked on the homosexuality

**Stop DMing me:** Can’t say I do.

**veterans discount:** you’re no fun though, your opinion is an outlier

**fake ass hoe:** woooof

**Stop DMing me:** Wow, the soldier knows about statistical outliers! Colour me impressed.

**hatsune miku:** hey togami

**hatsune miku:** are you ready to catch not only these hands 

**hatsune miku:** but also 

**hatsune miku:** the hands of god?

**Stop DMing me:** You really think you could do anything to me?

**hatsune miku:** oh togami, you don't know what i had to do to make it in the industry. murder is not off the table :)

**11037:** jesus heezus christ 

**veterans discount:** thanks for defending my honour babe

**hatsune miku:** <3 !!!

**hydrosexual:** WHOA HEY WAIT

**old sparky:** WHA

**i've got fish to catch!:** gay 

**hydrosexual:** mmmm i beg your pardon?

**hatsune miku:** beg

**shaped like a friend:** I’m feeling deja vu...

**veterans discount:** sorry i swiped the cute idol girl before anyone else could, be jealous 

**old sparky:** for how long??

**veterans discount:** oh you know an amount

**11037:** congrats on coming out to the class guys 

**old sparky:** kuwata you knew?

**hydrosexual:** and you managed to keep it secret?

**11037:** hhhhh first of all rude i'm great at secrets! ask naegi!

**11037:** and of COURSE i knew bc yaka and i are besties 

**hatsune miku:** i resent that statement

**high hopes:** oh! i knew too. and kirigiri did as well 

**i've got fish to catch!:** naegi knew and managed to keep it a secret as well? colour me shocked

**i've got fish to catch!:** surprised, even 

**i've got fish to catch:** flabbergasted!

**11037:** fukawa is so mean to naegi bc she pours all her love into one sibling and not the other

**i've got fish to catch:** eat it, autotune

**11037:** hey i layer my voice i do NOT use autotune

**high hopes:** and kuwata what do you mean by “ask naegi” ????

**11037:** see i'm so great at keeping secrets that you've forgotten what you've told me

**high hopes:** i cannot recall a single thing i entrusted to you 

**hatsune miku:** ouch 

**fake ass hoe:** #gottem

**11037:** i'm hurt naegi-chan (>m<)

**detective princess:** congrats you too, and hey does anyone know where ishimaru is

**veterans discount:** thank you for cutting off kuwata 

**detective princess:** he's not answering my texts, and a couple emerging in the class seems like a perfect opportunity for him to come in and congratulate them… but no dice

**hydrosexual:** didn't you read this morning's chat he prolly blue screened from raw gay power

**detective princess:** what makes you think i have any inclination to read the chat logs 

**veterans discount:** fair

**yeck in a heck:** ISHIMARU IS FINE

**11037:** oh hey there casanova 

**detective princess:** you just referred to him by name instead of kyoudai. clearly things are not fine as you would so strongly have us believe 

**high hopes:** dang the shsl detective read you 

**yeck in a heck:** HE IS OUT ON A JOG.

**detective princess:** all day?

**yeck in a heck:** IT'S LEG DAY KIRIGIRI

**detective princess:** okay

**detective princess:** since you clearly are well versed in his whereabouts, mind telling him to go and speak with the headmaster when he returns? something regarding a student council event 

**yeck in a heck:** YOU GOT IT. CHICKIE.

**hydrosexual:** that man would manage to alert the enemy even if he was invisible 

**detective princess:** subtlety is not a popular trait in this class 

**Stop DMing me:** You can say that again.

**detective princess:** subtlety is not a popular trait in this class 

**11037:** walked straight into that one 

**hatsune miku:** >implying anything togami does is straight 

**Stop DMing me:** You could say I'm an ace at everything I do.

**11037:** what the fuck 

**high hopes:** oh my god togami made a joke ajsksh

**Stop DMing me:** For the first and last time.

**detective princess:** moving on… fujisaki, could you perhaps provide more coherent insight into what ishimaru's been up to?

**old sparky:** i honestly haven't seen him since this morning, tbh

**detective princess:** I see

**old sparky:** i think when he returns, he'll be better than ever :)

**11037:** that’s ominous

**old sparky:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did naegi tell kuwata? vote now on yr phones  
> i'm posting this in history class but dw i have an 100 in this class,, grind never stops for honour role kids  
> thanks for reading this malarkey i wrote one half like a month ago and the second half yesterday  
> hope u enjoy <3


	5. yall wanna play d&d?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fujisaki just wants to play dnd, everyone else keeps getting off track

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been months, i'm sorry, but did you really expect anything different   
> and if you play dnd seriously or professionally in any capacity... i'm sorry. i've only played it once

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [9:08 A.M] >**

**11037 changed name to two trucks**

 

**two trucks:** better

**hatsune miku:** quoi 

**two trucks:** yaka have you not listened to the Masterpiece that is two trucks

**old sparky:** oh no we're not doing this again 

**hatsune miku:** a...again?

**old sparky:** one time kuwata mondo and i were hanging out and he took that as an opportunity to introduce us to his favourite music genre 

**old sparky:** meme

**hatsune miku:** that's just leon's future as a musician 

**two trucks:** i can only wish to obtain such power

**old sparky:** kuwata wants what lemon demon has 

**two trucks:** god i wish that were me 

**element:** You three! It is highly irresponsible to be on your phones during class! You are showing disrespect to both Sensei and Hope's Peak as an institution!

**two trucks:** but you're on your phone… thinking emoji 

**element:** The buzzing alerted me. Please kindly put your phones away! I will be shutting mine off until further notice.

**old sparky:** whenever he scolds me i get anxious,, he's like my father 

**two trucks:** are ishimaru and oowada your fathers

**two trucks:** his father, dr evil 

**hatsune miku:** so ishimaru is your strict dad and oowada is the dad that sneaks you out of the house to get vaccinated 

**yeck in a heck:** what the fuck 

**two trucks:** no, i think ishimaru would get fujisaki vaccinated. he's strict not stupid 

**hatsune miku:** don't vaccines make you gay 

**two trucks:** yeah that's why no one in this class is getting polio anytime soon 

**yeck in a heck:** must i restate, what the fuck

**old sparky:** yall wanna play dnd?

**hatsune miku:** nice non sequitur 

**two trucks:** lmao i'm not that bored of class that i wanna play nerd games 

**yeck in a heck:** kuwata if you're mean to chihi i'll rearrange your spinal cord

**two trucks:** hot

**hatsune miku:** it's…. really not 

**two trucks:** don't kinkshame just be like kinksame 

**hatsune miku:** you're kinklame 

**yeck in a heck:** what were you talking about chihi

**old sparky:** we should play dnd sometime! i can implement a dice feature and be dm

**two trucks:** do i have to do anything 

**old sparky:** just roleplay. this may come as a shock to some but i already have oodles of dnd characters 

**old sparky:** my dad and i used to play a lot 

**hatsune miku:** this is the cutest shit i've ever read 

**hatsune miku:** count me in mt fuji. naegi tells me i need to have more hobbies 

**old sparky:** …

**old sparky changed name to mt fuji**

**two trucks:** AJDJJZ

**yeck in a heck:** ye why not 

**yeck in a heck:** only for chihi tho the rest of yall can fock uff 

**two trucks:** why are you so afraid of loving me 

**two trucks:** no homo 

**mt fuji:** it's pro homo, kuwata. we support the gays 

**mt fuji:** we'll rock n roll after class bc ishi just gave me THE SCARIEST LOOK

**yeck in a heck:** i'm not scared of kyoudai but his disappointment hurts me 

**mt fuji:** j'enverrai l'information aPRÈS CHIENNES

**hatsune miku:** what the fuck 

**two trucks:** Fujisaki Has Become Baguette 

**hatsune miku:** a ok i'm boutta head out 

 

**laid ease ??? [11:58 A.M] >**

 

**krispy kreme:** GUYS GUYS GUYS

**holder of the braincell:** hey geeks and gamers 

**holder of the braincell:** something wrong asahina?

**cruel and unusual:** Is this about the pastries in the cafeteria, Asahina? They're rather good, if not common.

**krispy kreme:** THERE'S PASTRIES IN TH

**krispy kreme:** NEVER MIND THAT

**krispy kreme:** i just saw ishimaru and oowada leave the building together!!

**holder of the braincell:** they eat lunch together every day do they not

**krispy kreme:** YEH BUT LIKE???

**krispy kreme:** they had that weird thingy were hagakure was like "lol penis" and it made ishimaru upset

**krispy kreme:** so like… are they fine now? i don't get it?

**cruel and unusual:** I don't pay them much mind. I can't imagine I'll be much help here.

**holder of the braincell:** they seem like they're getting on fine, do they not? those guys don't really let stuff get between them.

**holder of the braincell:** you should ask fujisaki if you're concerned. 

**krispy kreme:** i'm not really tHaT concerned kyouko

**krispy kreme:** perhaps i will tho :^)

**holder of the braincell:** just admit you like gossip

**krispy kreme:** dam that's me read

**krispy kreme:** alright i will MIND MY OWN BUSINESS and ask fujisaki when i see them 

**holder of the braincell:** riveting 

**krispy kreme:** speaking of hot gossip, i can't seem to see you OR mr naegi makoto anywhere in this cafeteria. big HMMMMM 

**holder of the braincell:** we're out in the courtyard. i'm helping him with homework

**anti manga support group:** lmao he's been doing you instead of his homework huh

**krispy kreme:** !!! FUKAWA 

**holder of the braincell:** I Have No Idea What You're Talking About

**holder of the braincell:** Good Bye 

**anti manga support group:** *byakuya voice* absolutely disgusting 

**krispy kreme:** huh she really did go offline wow 

**krispy kreme:** you need to be more subtle fukawa!! could've gotten some info outta here 

**anti manga support group:** asahina do you know what happens if you search up the word "tactless" in the dictionary?

**krispy kreme:** a photo of you?

**anti manga support group:** wow that's fucked up, low blow

**anti manga support group:** no, you find the definition of tactless, which i am

**krispy kreme:** but u just 

**krispy kreme:** in the eternal words of naegi, HUH?

 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work > [4:08 P.M]**

**mt fuji:** okay gamers i've sent the info 

**mt fuji:** those of you who are dungeoning and/or dragoning. bestow unto me doth characters 

**two trucks:** uhhhhh i'm a rogue and my name is bart. i'm a sexy half elf

**mt fuji:** bart…..

**hatsune miku:** i am a bard and my name is ed sheeran. and i play the harmonica

**yeck in a heck:** i'm a barbarian. my name is ricardo 

**mt fuji:** i kind of regret giving you guys the ability to name your characters 

**high hopes:** oh yeah i'm playing too! i'm a cleric and my name is um

**high hopes:** waluigi.

**SECOND COMING changed name to sprankton**

**sprankton:** makes sense that the healer is the one who's not legally allowed to smash 

**two trucks:** too soon

**sprankton:** it's been like a year 

**hatsune miku:** yall think waluigi fucks?

**high hopes:** no stop 

**two trucks:** um obviously

**mt fuji:** THIS IS GOING CURSED PLACES

**two trucks:** have you SEEN that man 

**two trucks:** i'd let him take me to pound town any day 😜😜😜

**yeck in a heck:** chihi can i roll to fucking kill kuwata 

**hatsune miku:** if u die in d&d you d&die in real life

**mt fuji:** kuwata i'm literally gonna astral project into your room and shove d20s down your throat 

**Stop DMing me:** Stop enabling his asphyxiation kink, Jesus.

**high hopes:** TOGAMI HH???

**mt fuji:** SHIT SOZ ASJDJSKHA

**two trucks:** STOP EXPOSING ME I DONT HAVE A CHOKING KINK

**yeck in a heck:** does togami really only come in here to throw hands 

**Stop DMing me:** I come in to state facts. 

**two trucks:** THIS IS HOMOPHOBIA AND IM CALLING THE POLICE

**detective princess:** I won't help you 

**two trucks:** I KNOW MORE DETECTIVES THAN YOU 

**detective princess:** saihara isn't going to help you either

**two trucks:** I HAVE RUN OUT OF DETECTIVES

**mt fuji:** can we PLEASE play dnd now i don't want to hear anymore of kuwata's preferences on mario characters 

**two trucks:** bowser can get it, btw

**high hopes:** is god really testing me rn

**yeck in a heck:** ….he's not wrong this time

**hatsune miku:** hold your bowser horny clubs on your own time, please

**detective princess:** so, oowada's type is buff responsible leaders with a soft spot for the people they care about? interesting.

**yeck in a heck:** kirigiri 

**detective princess:** that's my name 

**mt fuji:** ….anyways time for dnd!

**mt fuji added DICE FUNCTIONS to the chat**

**hatsune miku:** god fujisaki can i kin you 

**mt fuji:** no doubles 

**mt fuji:** You wake up in a dim room with a dull ache in your head. As you look around, you realize that you aren't inside, but are, in fact, in a cave. The ground is cold, but where you were lying is warm, like you were there for a while. Upon looking around, you see what appears to be an entrance near the ceiling, sealed with rubble. There are three caverns leading off the area you've awoken in. The centre one is the widest. Waluigi, you're up.

**high hopes:** i move to investigate the rubble

**mt fuji:** roll for investigation and add your modifier 

**d20:** 15

**high hopes:** it's 1

**mt fuji:** You sift through the rubble. It doesn't seem like it'll budge, but you do find a pearlescent blue stone. Do you take it?

**high hopes:** heck yeah!

**mt fuji:** Added to your inventory. Ed Sheeran?

**hatsune miku:** can i like. go up to the centre passage and see if there's anything there. but like. not go in there.

**mt fuji:** sure. roll for perception 

**d20:** 17

**hatsune miku:** oh how sexy

**mt fuji:** As you approach the cavern, you hear a soft growling. You swear you see something move within, but you're unsure.

**hatsune miku:** can i tell bart that it's safe and that he should investigate it 

**two trucks:** yAKA WHAT THE FUCK

**mt fuji:** sure, who doesn't love drama? roll for deception

**two trucks:** I OBJECT

**yeck in a heck:** shut up kuwata you have no rights 

**d20:** 20

**hatsune miku:** HA GET FUCKED LEON

**mt fuji:** Ed Sheeran successfully tells Bart that the middle passage looks like the way out!

**two trucks:** BUT I KNOW SHE'S TOTALLY THROWING ME UNDER YE OLDE DND BUS

**mt fuji:** roll for insight you big baby 

**d20:** 2

**hatsune miku:** SHSJSJAKJ

**yeck in a heck:** HOLY SHIT

**high hopes:** jesus

**Stop DMing me:** Ha.

**mt fuji:** In what one would assume is a flash of blind dumbassery, Bart believes Ed Sheeran completely and runs at full force into the passage!

**two trucks:** wow i can't believe ed sheeran killed me 

**high hopes:** kuwata was actually the guy good old ed was talking about in new man

**two trucks:** I DON'T BLEACH MY ASSHOLE

**mt fuji:** ROLL FOR INITIATIVE YOU MOTHERFRICKERS

**yeck in a heck:** i'm a barbarian can't i just deck the cave furry  

**mt fuji:** god i want to put that on my gravestone but unfortunately no 

**d20:** ORDER OF ROLLS BART > ED SHEERAN > RICARDO > WALUIGI

**d20:** 10

**d20:** 12

**d20:** 16

**d20:** 5

**mt fuji:** order of turns is mondo, the enemy, maizono, kuwata, naegi

**yeck in a heck:** can i fuckin uhh. i smash the monster with my mace that i totally have

**mt fuji:** roll for strength

**d6:** 5

**mt fuji:** The monster recoils from the hit with a loud roar! Ricardo has dealt severe damage!

**yeck in a heck:** fuckin ace 

**mt fuji:** The monster strikes Bart! He takes 4 points of damage!

**two trucks:** i'm filing a lawsuit harassment 

**two trucks:** wait shit other way around

**high hopes:** kuwata…

**two trucks:** listen man i've been awake since like midnight thirty cut me some slizzity slack

**high hopes:** i will do no such thing when you use the term "slizzity slack"

**hatsune miku:** i find it funny how the only people in the class naegi is ever mean to are hagakure and leon 

**Stop DMing me:** For once, can you blame him? 

**detective princess:** fOr oNcE

**hatsune miku:** aaaand kirigiri returns to clown on togami

**detective princess:** no

**detective princess:** I mean, yes, but there are more pressing issues that I came into the chat for

**detective princess:** sorry to interrupt your roleplaying, fujisaki

**mt fuji:** don't worry yr pretty little head about it! 

**detective princess:** …anyways 

**hatsune miku:** #swerved

**mt fuji:** my heart is bwoken unu 

**detective princess:** have any of yall seen a tiny white pomeranian wandering around the schoolyard? answers to the name crowley?

**high hopes:** no but if you want i can help you look?

**detective princess:** saihara's already helping me out, thanks though 

**two trucks:** can we get an f for my man naegs being cucked by another ahoge bro

**hatsune miku changed name to jaa'm**

**jaa'm:** i'm begging you to shut the fuck up

**yeck in a heck:** WAIT DOG

**yeck in a heck:** THERE'S A DOG LOOSE IN THE SCHOOL 

**high hopes:** admittedly i read that in a john mulaney voice

**detective princess:** yes, one of our senpais, tanaka, enlisted our help

**yeck in a heck:** SORRY CHIHI I NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY

**yeck in a heck:** I GOTTA GET IN ON DOG ACTION

**Stop DMing me:** Oowada brought to such billegerence over a mere animal? Fitting.

**yeck in a heck:** togami i will shred your brachial artery like a sick halfpipe 

**Stop DMing me:** I'd love to see you try.

**jaa'm:** togami is literally gonna get himself killed at this school huh 

**veterans discount:** that's karma baby 

**jaa'm:** oh hey muku i didn't know you were lurking

**veterans discount:** i'm always lurking, it's part of the job

**detective princess:** oowada if you really wanna help search, we're out near the fountain 

**yeck in a heck:** BE THERE IN A HOT SEC

**yeck in a heck:** IT'S DOG TIME FUCKERS

**yeck in a heck:** I NEED TO CALL ISHIMARU HE HAS TO GET IN ON THE DOG ACTION

**two trucks:** i love romance 

**jaa'm:** now that you mention it, ishimaru hasn't been in the chat since this morning 

**mt fuji:** i think he's in a meeting with headmaster kirigiri

**high hopes:** so, fujisaki…. since oowada left, is the game over?

**mt fuji:** unless any of you were REALLY HYPED to get out of the cave, i'll just kill you all 

**two trucks:** make bart go out in a blaze of glory

**mt fuji:** the bombs that had been placed in your digestive tracts while you were unconscious explode in unison killing you all instantly 

**jaa'm:** isn't that the plot of a shoujou manga series 

**high hopes:** maybe the real bomb was the friends we made along the way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't even watched good omens, and there's a sick reference to ed sheeran's album divide that like 2 people will get  
> and honestly when i played thh, i didn't really like kuwata or maizono?? so idk why i made them meme loving fucks and gave them way too much power in this fic  
> ~canon is whatever i make it~
> 
> also, i feel like whenever i read chat fics, the authors mention that they take a lot of content from their own group chats? i don't really have any of those so all of these convos are from my own hilarious imagination


	6. naegi gets nsfw (not clickbait)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> savage naegi makes a return, kirigiri and togami have some ~lad banter~, and asahina is Threatened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning, i think there's more nsfw humour in this one than the other ones. idk why, maybe it's because i've been playing a lot of bejeweled classic lately  
> (if you get that joke, i'm disappointed in you)  
> now onto my shame

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [4:21 P.M] >**

**shaped like a friend:** How's the dog crew doing?

**hydrosexual:** @yeck in a heck @detective princess @element

**hydrosexual:** hound gang rise up 

**detective princess:** we found the dog

**element:** _Sent an image._

**hydrosexual:** oh my god??????

**high hopes:** is that oowada hugging a super tiny dog

**mt fuji:** holy shit i might cry

**veterans discount:** my crops…. watered… my soul….. flourishing

**element:** Isn't it so wonderful? I had no idea Kyoudai loved dogs that much!

**element:** In fact, I even made it the wallpaper of my phone!

**hydrosexual:** oh my lord 

**hydrosexual:** this is painful fujisaki please do a thing 

**mt fuji:** this is not my battle to fight asahina 

**element:**? Is it strange to have your friends as your lock screen?

**hydrosexual:** you keep doin you buddy boo

**yeck in a heck:** god seeing that image makes me want to fucking relive that moment 

**yeck in a heck:** crowley…. he was so soft 

**hydrosexual:** lowkey surprised that oowada can swallow his ~pride~ and hug a tiny dog

**yeck in a heck:** THE FUCK'S PRIDE GOTTA DO WITH IT

**yeck in a heck:** MAN SEES DOG. MAN MUST SHOWER DOG WITH LOVE. YALL MOTHERFUCKERS CAN TAKE IT UP WITH ME IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

**yeck in a heck:** CAPISCE?

**detective princess:** tanaka said that oowada and the dog have soul bonded before taking him away 

**yeck in a heck:** HE HAS A NAME KIRIGIRI. IT'S. CROWLEY

**detective princess:** k.

**shaped like a friend:** All's well that ends well, I suppose

**yeck in a heck:** kyoudai can i get a dog pls am i allowed

**element:** Hm… Depends! Many students have possessions for their talents, and Tanaka-kun keeps pets in his dorm!

**mt fuji:** i swear to naegi if yall get a dog i'm never leaving mondo's dorm

**mt fuji:** i'll live off of dog treats and dress myself in his sweat rags

**hydrosexual:** fujisaki that's a Bit Weird

**mt fuji:** all these glasses and i still can't see where i asked

**veterans discount:** can yall imagine oowada walking into class with a tiny fuckin dog on his shoulder

**jaa'm:** (x gon give it to ya plays softly in the background)

**mt fuji:** ASJFJFKSJA

**hydrosexual:** that's canon whenever oowada walks around the school the music trails not far behind 

**veterans discount:** *refers to something that happened in real life* that shit's canon yo!

**yeck in a heck:** i would be angry but i'm too into dog rn n that song slaps too 

**jaa'm:** it's that one mashup of x gon give it to ya with call me maybe as the backing track

**mt fuji:** quick guys what song do you want to constantly be playing. quietly. as you parade around 

**mt fuji:** @everyone this is important what's yr theme song 

**two trucks:** what's your meme song

**jaa'm:** alright question cancelled

**hydrosexual:** ooo!! whistle by katy tiz!!

**veterans discount:** thank god we started off with something pure…

**shaped like a friend:** Cute song for a cute girl!

**mt fuji:** god i just busted a fat uwu

**jaa'm:** being a music aficionado myself, i've thought a lot about my theme song, and it's caramelldansen

**two trucks:** a woman after my own heart…

**high hopes:** fun fact maizono performed that song and dance at a talent show in middle school

**jaa'm:** naEGI YOU ASS

**two trucks:** OH MY GOD

**two trucks:** NAEGI I WILL PAY YOU FOR FOOTAGE

**jaa'm:** hey naegi? one word. locker.

**jaa'm:** eye for an eye. 

**high hopes:** holy shiznuggets

**high hopes:** sorry kuwata i was Threatened haha looks like i lost the footage!

**detective princess:** i feel like i just witnessed something i should not have 

**jaa'm:** :) perhaps all will be revealed :) at a later date :)

**high hopes:** so yeah my theme song would be hall of fame, because it makes me feel like i saved the world or somethin 

**two trucks:** really thought it was gonna be high hopes!

**high hopes:** and wow kuwata i wonder what yours is

**two trucks:** pretty fly for a white guy by the offspring ob-fuckin-viously

**jaa'm:** leon we're japanese

**jaa'm:** we live in japan 

**two trucks:** pretty fly for an asian guy doesn't fit the beat

**hydrosexual:** what about you sakura?

**shaped like a friend:** Haven't really thought about it, honestly 

**jaa'm:** ishimaru and oowada's is the bro duet right

**mt fuji:** i hate to say you're right but you're right 

**element:** Well, I've never heard it, but the title certainly sounds like something that would describe the two of us! :)

**yeck in a heck:** i HAVE heard it and maizono i'm gonna break your kneecaps

**jaa'm:** try me bitch. baby hold my flower 

**veterans discount:** kick his ass baby i got yo flower

**two trucks: ,,** aighty tighty anyone else

**i've got fish to catch!:** everytime we touch by cascada 

**hydrosexual:** FUKAWA ASHDJAJJ

**jaa'm:** HA

**high hopes:** i don't know what i was expecting but it wasn't that 

**high hopes:** wait isn't that one of komaru's favourite songs

**fake ass hoe:** lmao #exposed

**veterans discount:** junko when in the got dam hell did you get here 

**fake ass hoe:** i'm always here

**fake ass hoe:** suck my big phat nuts

**high hopes:** so kirigiri what about you?

**fake ass hoe:** naegi why are you so rude to me. never listening to what i have to say. always shutting me out of conversation 

**high hopes:** wow can't imagine why :)

**two trucks:** OHHHHHHHHHHH

**yeck in a heck:** SHITTTTTTTTTT

**jaa'm:** we love the dig bick energy…

**fake ass hoe:** there are so many better roasts out there and that's the one yalls nut over? 

**two trucks:** i'm easy to please 

**element:** Arguing between classmates doesn't promote a safe school environment…

**fake ass hoe:** yeah yeah hall monitor i'll roll out

**detective princess:** buy the stars by marina, by the way. for my theme song

**hydrosexual:** ooo, angst

**jaa'm:** pretty song though, you got something you need to talk about kirigiri lmao

**detective princess:** nope

**Stop DMing me:** Do you people do anything productive in this chat? Ever?

**detective princess:** woo woo, the no fun police has arrived! relinquish your joy!

**mt fuji:** togami's song is definitely idgaf by watsky 

**two trucks:** what about eff by bo burnham

**jaa'm:** everybody loves me by one republic 

**kirigiri kyouko > naegi makoto (kirigiri appreciation zone 😤) [4:40 P.M]**

**murder kink:** hey, naegi, are you busy right now?

**eggiest:** no... why? are you okay?

**murder kink:** hm. it's just that

**murder kink:** ishimaru had a meeting with the headmaster before coming to help us find tanaka's dog and he told me that he wants to see me

**murder kink:** to talk about something important I guess

**eggiest:** oh jeez kirigiri

**eggiest:** sorry that's a bad response, do you wanna talk about it?

**murder kink:** can I come to your dorm?

**eggiest:** uhh sure!

**murder kink:** be there soon

**eggiest:** oK

**fujisaki said Fuck Work >** 

**hydrosexual:** sexy naughty bitchy by tata young??

**detective princess:** guys guys, you're ALL right 

**detective princess:** cuz togami absorbed too much dumb idiot juice in the womb and became the patron saint of bastardry

**jaa'm:** holy SHIT kirigiri 

**two trucks:** shit 👏 on 👏 his 👏 LIFE

**Stop DMing me:** Aw, the things you say to act like you're above me are so precious.

**veterans discount:** the girls are fighting

**detective princess:** you literally have 2009 myspace emo hair you can't act like u have the higher ground

**high hopes:** stop being mean to each other

**Stop DMing me:** Or what, Naegi? You'll cry?

**high hopes:** no i'll reveal that you two actually go to cat cafés together on the weekend 

**high hopes:** oops just did 

**detective princess:** NAEGI

**Stop DMing me:** This is slander and defamation of character.

**two trucks:** naegi really grew a pair in like the past half hour and let me tell you, i'm like a quarter chub rn

**yeck in a heck:** i wish you knew how to shut your mouth 

**high hopes:** i have proof and i will not hesitate to use it

**Stop DMing me:** Naegi, I will come to your dorm and wipe your phone's memory myself 

**high hopes:** no you can't do that that's illegal 

**Stop DMing me:** Oh? Do tell.

**high hopes:** i'm uh

**high hopes:** trying out some stuff i found on pinterest. it's a real mess in here yaknow?? ha

**sprankton:** that's suss as shit 

**veterans discount:** you know naegi if you need help hiding a body…

**high hopes:** CHRIST WHO DO YOU PEOPLE TAKE ME FOR

**hydrosexual:** you do seem like someone who oughtta snap at some point 

**i've got fish to catch!:** he's got the eyes, brent. the eyes… of a killer

**high hopes:** oh so fairy lights are a crime now? 

**sprankton:** depends… are they copper wired?

**high hopes:** yeah……..?

**sprankton:** you get off this time.

**Stop DMing me:** Naegi's poor aesthetics aside, I _will_ make good on my threat.

**hydrosexual:** do u think naegi's accusation killed kirigiri

**detective princess:** oh i'm still here

**Stop DMing me:** Much to the dismay of many.

**detective princess:** admit one: for you. you are cordially invited to eat my ass

**Stop DMing me:** I'll leave that to Naegi.

**mt fuji:** TOGAMI WHY

**two trucks:** DGDHSJAKKDMS

**jaa'm:** HE BREATHED

**high hopes:** can't a man enjoy his fairy lights in peace…

**detective princess:** this chat is a fucking nightmare

**yeck in a heck:** kyoudai is just hanging his head in shame right now

**two trucks:** and how do YOU know that 

**yeck in a heck:** i'll punch you in the jaw 

**two trucks:** u wont but jesus if everyone's getting exposed today why don't we just go around and tell each other our dick sizes 

**shaped like a friend:** No one needs to know that, Kuwata

**two trucks:** ugh one day…

**sprankton:** you know this is a conversation i feel like i shouldn't be a part of 

**sprankton:** i'm gonna go back to harvesting organs 

**Stop DMing me:** There is far too much sexual tension in this class. I'm not a fan.

**jaa'm:** *togami voice* maybe have an orgy or something and calm down 

**mt fuji:** i am LITERALLY babey

**hydrosexual:** is this the most cursed we've gotten…

**shaped like a friend:** I think we've done worse

**hydrosexual:** i need an adult 

**sprankton:** here i am

**hydrosexual:** i need a different adult 

**sprankton:** fair enough 

**detective princess:** this is all your fault togami

**yeck in a heck:** fuck man isn't it always 

**high hopes:** isn't it exhausting for you to be so mean all the time toges

**Stop DMing me:** No, it fuels me.

**detective princess:** he runs on bitch sauce like a car runs on gasoline 

**jaa'm:** as much as i love savage kirigiri this distracted us from figuring out what naegi was doing in his room 

**high hopes:** why don't you guys believe me…

**i've got fish to catch!:** you have a very untrustworthy demeanor 

**high hopes:** now i'm writing motivational sayings on my wall in chalk

**high hopes:** everyone wants happiness nobody wants pain but how do you make a rainbow without a little rain? 

**detective princess:** that does sound like you 

**two trucks:** well if the DETECTIVE is saying it…

**veterans discount:** she's helping him cover up. man, without me? 

**high hopes:** good christ on a cracker…

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [11:23 A.M] >**

**hydrosexual:** did i just have an out of body experience 

**mt fuji:** elaborate?

**hydrosexual:** you know yukizome, our senpais' teacher? 

**two trucks:** yes absolutely 

**hydrosexual:** i just saw her dragging nidai by the collar through the hallway like he weighed five pounds

**hydrosexual:** and he was like… half naked. and covered in paint splatters 

**mt fuji:** isn't nidai that jojo looking guy?

**hydrosexual:** i woulda said fist of the north star but ye

**veterans discount:** our senpais are weird, who knows what they get up to

**hydrosexual:** NO BUT LIKE???

**hydrosexual:** i made eye contact with yukizome and she frickin did the "shush" motion like she was silencing me

**hydrosexual:** i fear for my life 

**mt fuji:** what the frick

**veterans discount:** what is it

**mt fuji:** i'm in our senpais' room rn talking to souda, and asahina as soon as you said that 

**mt fuji:** yukizome's eyes darted DIRECTLY to me

**two trucks:** ACTUALLY

**hydrosexual:** you deadass?

**veterans discount:** she knows all…. she sees all……. the all seeing eye

**two trucks:** she's connected to the main frame

**high hopes:** she's a neural net processor,  learning computer

**mt fuji:** she's glaring at me what do i do guys help pl 

**hydrosexual:** fu

**hydrosexual:** fujisaki?

**two trucks:** they went offline????

**high hopes:** snake? snake??

**jaa'm:** SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

**veterans discount:** oh my fuckin god she fuckin dead 

**high hopes:** should we have someone retrieve them, like what if yukizome actually took them out 

**hydrosexual:** not me, a bitch is already on her hit list 

**jaa'm:** yukizome be like t͈́̍ͫa͇̲r̲̺̬̠͈͌̓ͅg̟̟̫͕͓̜̏̋̓̓̔̅ͦe͖͔̗͕͎̹ͧ͐̓͌̚tͯ̉ͪ̔͐̈́̂ ̤̹͍͕̳̎ͫ̅̏̓a̟̜̠͓͕̼̜c̦ͯͭ͐ͫ̑q͉͎̺̤̿ͧù̲͚͕ͯͅḯ̮̖͖̜̭̔̉ͮȓ̮́ͬͅe̙͎͖̻̘̜ͫͨ̏ͦ̋ͅḓ̗̬͕͖̂͐̓ ̭̈̌̓

**yeck in a heck:** i'll take one for the team lads

**two trucks:** braver than any us marine…

**two trucks:** no offense ikusaba

**veterans discount:** i am neither american nor a marine but thanks for the concern anyways 

**yeck in a heck:** nah i just got something to tell chihi anyways and i fear no authority 

**jaa'm:** oooOooO i lov gossip, what do u need to tell them 

**yeck in a heck:** fceo (for chihi's ears only)

**yeck in a heck:** whatever you'll all find out soon 

**two trucks:** omg are you getting married

**high hopes:** congrats 

**veterans discount:** didn't you make little witch academia in the year below us mad and now she owns your first born child 

**hydrosexual:** WHAT

**yeck in a heck:** I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED WTF IS WRONG WITH YALL

**detective princess:** you want a list or

**yeck in a heck:** AND I NEVER AGREED TO YUMENO'S CONTRACT 

**hydrosexual:** okay now i REALLY wanna know that story i feel like chabashira would've told me

**jaa'm:** yall ever accidentally cross a mage and then she steals your baby? 

**two trucks:** rt if u relate ✊😔

**detective princess:** you do know contracts signed by minors aren't legally binding right

**yeck in a heck:** i regret coming into this chat on this day

**yeck in a heck:** whatever suck my nards losers i'm gonna go get chihi

**high hopes:** that just gave me getting bullied in middle school REALNESS

**detective princess:** are you alright naegi 

**high hopes:** i mean yeah i got into hope's peak and none of those meanies did so HA who're the losers now HUH??? HUH?????

**jaa'm:** i think naegi's losing it

**two trucks:** not to make light of your suffering man but did u get that spike on your head from a nasty swirly

**hydrosexual:** "nasty swirly???" what are you, a sitcom from the 80s?

**high hopes:** i plead the fifth

**veterans discount:** holy fucking shit

**jaa'm:** oh, lore 

**high hopes:** unironically though i'm fine lmao

**detective princess:** good

**two trucks:** don't worry naegles if anyone is mean to you ever again they'll catch every single one of my hands 

**jaa'm:** all two of em

**two trucks:** and the ones on the ends of my legs! :)

**high hopes:** thank you kuwata but please never refer to your feet like that again 

**two trucks:** oh you'd like me to refer to my feet wouldn't you 

**hydrosexual:** lord

**high hopes:** i can't win in this house

**detective princess:** naegi i'll drain your enemies of blood and throw them into the sea

**veterans discount:** two types of people 

**jaa'm:** on a sliding scale from leon to kirigiri how intense are you about our resident luck boi 

**two trucks:** dude don't do me dirty naegi is my soulmate 

**hydrosexual:** kuwata slowly but surely eases out the "b" from bromance 

**high hopes:** i'm sorry kuwata, i'm just not that into you

**two trucks:** 😔😤😢😭💔

**detective princess:** how do you even say that out loud 

**jaa'm:** i think it's more the spirit of it tbh 

**two trucks:** i hate seeing you go but i love watching you leave…

**two trucks:** who is she naegi, who is the woman who has torn you away from me?? what does she have that i don't????

**veterans discount:** her name rhymes with mirifiri ryouko and she's cooler than you

**high hopes:** huh i don't know what you're talking about sorry 

**high hopes:** her name is candy kong actually 

**two trucks:** yo why'd they make that monkey so hot though

**jaa'm:** furry awakening through the dk games 

**two trucks:** you know it babe 

**veterans discount:** thought you'd be more of a funky kong man myself 

**two trucks:** don't even mention him i WILL nut

**hydrosexual:** wow i hate this conversation already 

**detective princess:** is this all a social experiment 

**jaa'm:** yeh probably 

**detective princess:** someone ban me and put me out of my misery 

**high hopes:** we're all in this together kirigiri

**veterans discount:** we can't escape 

**two trucks:** once you pop you never stop 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did oowada have to tell fujisaki? find out next time on dbz!  
> also, are swirlies a real thing? i have never heard of them happening irl. granted i'm not really bullied, people just say mean things about me in my general vicinity  
> i recently got into your turn to die/kimi ga shine, it's really good (even though my favourite character died hng) so if you're into danganronpa and/or zero escape, it's prolly right up your alley  
> have i plugged my dr tumblr yet? @sai-haras. i haven't been posting a lot recently bc i relapsed into my bnha obsession but i'll get back to it eventually i'm sure


	7. school sanctioned sex dungeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> syo takes some of her classmates on an adventure and ishimaru & oowada go to the store

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really like this one as much as some of the others, but i hope you guys enjoy it anyways!  
> seriously, it's crazy how this dumb story i write in my free time has so many people that like it  
> summer's never great for my mental health, and y'alls comments brighten my day <3  
> ok now onto the memes

**Date: ??? Time: ???**

**ishimaru kiyotaka > ikusaba mukuro**

**Ishimaru:** Hello, Ikusaba-kun… Er, may I ask you something?

**ikusaba:** you don't have to be so formal, what is it

**Ishimaru:** You and Maizono-kun are together, yes? In a… Romantic sense?

**ikusaba:** you got it

**Ishimaru:** How did that happen? 

**ikusaba:** she just kinda asked me out on a date and i agreed and we got boba tea

**Ishimaru:** Oh, I see.

**ikusaba:** ishimaru are you perhaps having romance troubles?

**Ishimaru:** Of course not! What would make you think that?

**ikusaba:** is it oowada

**Ishimaru:** A...Am I really that easy to see through? 

**ikusaba:** uh a little… but it's fine dude

**ikusaba:** that man is the DEFINITION of whipped for you 

**ikusaba:** remember when we all went out to see fireworks at the end of our first year and u fell asleep and he covered you with his jacket and carried you back? 

**Ishimaru:** He was only being considerate.

**ikusaba:** yes and sayaka was only being considerate when she made out with me in the locker room 

**Ishimaru:** Kyoudai is my first real friend. If I were to mess up our relationship with something like romance, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. I am not used to all of this.

**ikusaba:** ohhhh darling…

**ikusaba:** we're all your friends you know? we're all behind you… except for maybe junko but u know how she be 

**ikusaba:** plus i rly don't think you're gonna mess things up 

**Ishimaru:** But if I were to… Confess… How would I do it?

**ikusaba:** oh i have some ideas…

**senpai, kouhai [7:30 A.M] >**

**the twainer:** chihi chihi chihi answer your goddamn phone i swear to every deity in this world 

**the twainee:** what is it you himbo it's so early 

**the twainer:** i'm gonna tell him how i feel

**the twainee:** AHDHFKSH????? BINCH???

**the twainer:** don't fucking say anything else or my nerves will fail me and i won't be able to so anything 

**the twainee:** but at the animal shelter this morning. i'm finna boutta do it 

**the twainee:** dude the good vibes i'm sending you are so hardcore they're gonna stay with you for weeks

**the twainer:** vibes received bro

**the twainee:** go get em tiger

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [10:48 A.M]**

**of course i cum fast!:** HEY GAMERS, WHAT THE FUCK? 

**high hopes:** what an entrance 

**sprankton:** yoyo wus boppin syo 

**of course i cum fast!:** THIS 🅱️USSY KING

**detective princess:** aw shit here we go again 

**of course i cum fast!:** WHERE ALL YALL I KINDA MADE THE DISCOVERY OF THE CENTURY 

**sprankton:** toges and i are playing with an ouija board 

**Stop DMing me:** That is most certainly not what we are doing.

**veterans discount:** i'm at the gym 

**high hopes:** idk man i just work here

**of course i cum fast!:** BYAKUYA-SAMA WHY R YOU HANGING OUT WITH THE GUY CONVINCED HIS HAMBURGER WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS INSTEAD OF ME

**Stop DMing me:** Good Lord, turn off your caps lock.

**of course i cum fast!:** anything for youwu

**of course i cum fast!:** anyways i found a network of tunnels under the school n yall fuckers best strap on your fanny packs cuz we goin mining

**detective princess:** what.

**high hopes:** i beg your pardon???

**of course i cum fast!:** i don't get off to that soz 

**two trucks:** BINCH WHAT

**fake ass hoe:** oh yeah yall didn't know about that 

**high hopes:** NO I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE TUNNEL SYSTEM UNDER OUR SCHOOL, ENOSHIMA

**detective princess:** more importantly, why do you know?

**fake ass hoe:** part of my plans for world domination or whatever 

**two trucks:** enoshima how have u never told me this 

**two trucks:** we are cool ranch doritos together at 2am i thot what we had was special 

**fake ass hoe:** i prefer flaming hot myself 

**fake ass hoe:** oh class, would you like me to take you on a guided tour of the catacombs? i'll make sure we hit every important spot 

**sprankton:** not if you call it the catacombs, christ 

**of course i cum fast!:** hey bimbofication meme, the tunnels are MINE now and i'm forcing at least SOME OF U to come fuck around in em with me

**fake ass hoe:** …

**fake ass hoe changed nickname to bimbofication meme**

**two trucks:** AHDJDNJ

**bimbofication meme:** when will my reflection show who i truly am on the inside 

**of course i cum fast!:** big mac come into the tunnels with me 

**high hopes:** huh??? why me?? 

**of course i cum fast!:** you've got plot armour we'll be safe with you 

**of course i cum fast!:** byakuya-sama n hamburglar you're up too 

**Stop DMing me:** Oh, there are no things I'd rather do less

**sprankton:** but toges we can go search for demons in the underground 

**Stop DMing me:** That is far from an incentive.

**veterans discount:** icb hagakure and togami were buzzfeed unsolved all along??

**detective princess:** where's the episode where togami antagonizes a demon and gets thrown off a cliff

**sprankton:** coming soon 

**Celestia:** Oh, this sounds rather intriguing. Syo, I'm coming along.

**hydrosexual:** hey celes, you're never in chat!

**Celestia:** I have more important things to do.

**of course i cum fast!:** sounds lit queen antionette

**of course i cum fast!:** now where's tweedle dee and tweedle dumbass 

**two trucks:** gonna need you to elaborate mate

**of course i cum fast!:** the gay ones

**detective princess:** @mt fuji where's oowada and ishimaru 

**veterans discount:** sdbdhshm??

**high hopes:** wow kiri you didn't need to go for their lives like that

**mt fuji:** what

**mt fuji:** oH LMAO they're out shopping 

**of course i cum fast!:** domestic and fucking lame

**of course i cum fast!:** hey chicken macnuggets u think you can sneak koko into the school

**high hopes:** w..why

**high hopes:** also i'm not really that keen on having sakakura snipe my sister on the spot

**hydrosexual:** i could beat him in a fist fight 

**hydrosexual:** yuuta n komaru are friends i am Willing and Prepared to throw every single hand for her

**of course i cum fast!:** if we're taking any demon fuckers koko is first on my list

**of course i cum fast!:** chicken macgangbang you really need to talk to her about the fact that she sees dead people like all the time

**high hopes:** WHAT

**high hopes:** DO YOU MEAN

**two trucks:** can komaru get me a ghost gf

**of course i cum fast!:** if you don't have an ectoplasm dick it doesn't work 

**sprankton:** like sans undertale? 

**veterans discount:** god give me the strength i need for this chat 

**two trucks:** >>>materials for befriending your mom

**high hopes:** HI CAN WE GO BACK TO MY SISTER'S ABILITY TO CONVERSE WITH THE DEAD

**of course i cum fast!:** keep up with the times, macflurry

**hydrosexual:** sixth sense: starring naegi komaru 

**high hopes:** my hecking god i need to speak to her 

**of course i cum fast!:** let's rock and roll laid ease, 

**two trucks:** i need to get in on this action, i've only ever been into a stronghold in minecraft

**of course i cum fast:** ok nickelback, conspiracy bitch, lolita chick, byakuya-sama, and junior macchicken, we're going sicko mode on these caves 

**high hopes:** i don't consent 

**veterans discount:** why not junko when she's like…. the one who dug the caves 

**of course i cum fast!:** i figure she's the type who really gets off on confusion and shock

**bimbofication meme:** bro how'd you find my pornhub search history 

**two trucks:** her nails are too pretty to have raccooned her way through the ground

**veterans discount:** raccooned?

**two trucks:** one time my cat killed a mouse and i buried its corpse and raccoons dug it up and ate it 

**hydrosexual:** tragic backstory 

**two trucks:** wbu ikusaba

**veterans discount:** as much as i'd love to, sayaka n i are going to timmies after this

**Stop DMing me:** I also don't want to go through with your nonsensical delusions of entertainment.

**sprankton:** we on our way 

**hydrosexual:** tbh hagakure i thot you'd be terrified 

**sprankton:** cryptids can smell fear 

**of course i cum fast!:** OK ASSHOLES I'M WAITING 

**two trucks:** ok time to do the uncomfortable half jog

**veterans discount:** isn't that a white person meme

**two trucks:** yeh but i feel that shit in my soul 

**bimbofication meme:** in b4 hagakure shows up with togami on a leash lmao

**mt fuji:** AJSHDH LIKE A LITERAL TODDLER

**high hopes:** i knew a kid in elementary school whose mom walked him on a leash like a dog

**hydrosexual:** does this story have a happy ending 

**high hopes:** i mean according to his instagram he has a boyfriend now 

**mt fuji:** this just in: walking on all fours makes you gay 

**sprankton:** the real homosexual agenda 

**bimbofication meme:** why does the furry get more ass than mE 

**high hopes:** these are the questions that plague our school. these are their stories 

**detective princess:** hope's peak: special victims unit

**mt fuji:** *two sad clown honks* 

**of course i cum fast!:** OKAY BITCH BABIES EVERYONE HAS ARRIVED 

**of course i cum fast!:** WE'RE GOING ON A SEXY SEXY EXPEDITION. A SEXPEDITION

**two trucks:** yee'd haw 

**Celestia:** How peculiar…

**high hopes:** it's actually creepy as heck down here???? 

**bimbofication meme:** does wittle naegi need someone to hold his hand <3

**detective princess:** he's not a child, enoshima 

**hydrosexual:** lmao kiri sWOOPED in 

**of course i cum fast!:** jealousy is a disease bitch get well soon!

**two trucks:** don't worry i got it kirigiri 

**high hopes:** why always me 

**sprankton:** there are literal fossils in the walls wow

**hydrosexual:** sure that's not just you 

**sprankton:** i don't attend this school to be bullied

**hydrosexual:** i'm like 99.99% sure you don't attend this school legally like at all 

**sprankton:** what about the other 1%

**hydrosexual:** this is what i mean 

**Celestia:** Oh?

**two trucks:** AHSHDJSGAK????? am i having a ST R  O KE 

**high hopes:** what the frick……

**mt fuji:** what???? what is it????

**detective princess:** god I hope you guys don't get into any real legal trouble 

**two trucks:** nah brah it's just

**high hopes:** nanami and komaeda are down here 

**mt fuji:** WH

**detective princess:** nothing surprises me anymore 

**sprankton:** LMAO toges just said "what the hell are you cretins doing down here"

**hydrosexual:** i mean he a bitch but at least he gets to the point 

**mt fuji:** qu'est-ce que le……. verdict 

**two trucks:** they're playing pokémon go 

**detective princess:** in hope's peak's sex dungeon?

**mt fuji:** ashdjksh legends 

**hydrosexual:** kirigiri did you realLY have to phrase it like that 

**high hopes:** komaeda just did that thing where he's like "wtf why are you here" then "oh i'm sorry i should never question you shsls"

**detective princess:** that man is……. how do you say it… an experience 

**bimbofication meme:** he's a fucker and a bastard

**high hopes:** one time he told me i have soft hands

**two trucks:** yeh but he ain't wrong 

**high hopes:** you can let go of me if you wish

**two trucks:** why would i do that 

**of course i cum fast!:** everyone in this fucking class radiates chaotic bi energy 

**of course i cum fast!:** those two preps and that reserve coursie they're always with have definitely had an orgy

**bimbofication meme:** i don't think u can have an orgy with only three people 

**of course i cum fast!:** not with that attitude 😫🤤😳

**detective princess:** do you really think komaeda would sleep with a girl 

**high hopes:** hi we're stopping this conversation right now 

**mt fuji:** kin drama

**hydrosexual:** hhhhhfhdgshsbs

**of course i cum fast!:** OKIDIDDLYDOKILY WE MOVIN ON 

**mt fuji:** peak humour is the fact that togami hasn't said anything since entering the sex dungeon

**sprankton:** he's walking w crossed arms with the face of Slight Disdain

**detective princess:** that's how he always looks

**sprankton:** deeper brow crease today

**high hopes:** OKAY CURSED EXPERIENCE NUMERO DEUX????

**two trucks:** _ Sent an image. _

**Celestia:** Why, things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser.

**hydrosexual:** IS. IS THAT

**mt fuji:** WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MONOKUMAS

**detective princess:** I believe the plural is just monokuma

**two trucks:** like dude's a robot so obviously he'd have spares

**sprankton:** that's easily over a hundred 

**high hopes:** BIG HUH

**two trucks:** are we fucking uncovering a conspiracy dude i wanna be on the news 

**high hopes:** should we tell the headmaster 

**of course i cum fast!:** don't ruin this for me 

**bimbofication meme:** oh shit the monkumas don't worry about them

**two trucks:** enoshima?

**bimbofication meme:** keep going on your merry little journey 

**high hopes:** something could be wrong though 

**bimbofication meme:** _ keep fucking walking, naegi. _

**hydrosexual:** wha??

**detective princess:** enoshima?

**mt fuji:** ...she logged off

**two trucks:** mom i'm scared 

**sprankton:** there are people doing monokuma here mom i wanna go home

**high hopes:** fear factor Cranked Up To Eleven

**of course i cum fast!:** quit being a little bitch about it sarge

**of course i cum fast!:** if we're here to do this we're gonna fucking do this okay team

**sprankton:** haven't we established our consent means nothing to you 

**of course i cum fast!:** righty tighty you are, sean dedrick

**sprankton:** that's not even a funny reference it's just obscure as all hell

**Stop DMing me:** This is a dumb exercise in misery and I hate you all.

**of course i cum fast!:** byakuya-sama don't piss in my froot loops here mkay darling? <33

**detective princess:** I knew this was a dumb idea from the get go, but wow, you guys are really hitting me with the realization that I was right tenfold

**of course i cum fast!:** alright naoto wannabe why can't you just sit down and enjoy the schadenfreude like a good little girl 

**detective princess:** you've got the wrong shsl detective pegged for "naoto wannabe" 

**of course i cum fast!:** sowwy :3c i just saw the phrase "shsl detective pegged" nd blacked out

**two trucks:** the rumour come out: does saihara is get pegged? 

**of course i cum fast!:** according to the last reported this detective revealed himself as: gets pegged 

**high hopes:** pls treat our underclassmen with at least a little decency 

**mt fuji:** naegi try as we might we can never stop this

**high hopes:** you're the most cursed one here

**mt fuji:** sad uwu

**two trucks:** LMAO there's graffiti on the wall here that says "chisa, kyousuke, and juuzou were here! <3"

**hydrosexual:** who dat? the names sound a little familiar 

**detective princess:** …

**hydrosexual:** you know who they are??

**detective princess:** that's none of your concern

**sprankton:** …

**high hopes:** …

**two trucks:** UH WE ALL JUST HEARD THAT HUGE BANG RITE

**of course i cum fast!:** god this is the fucking best

**high hopes:** you know i think we've seen enough of the catacombs 

**Stop DMing me:** As much as I hate to agree with Naegi, I want to leave.

**two trucks:** how much viagra do u use to keep that hate boner alive 

**hydrosexual:** is that how asexuality works? sex drive is blocked by rage? 

**mt fuji:** can confirm that's how it works 

**two trucks:** fujisaki what do you have to be angry at you're like whipped cream in human form 

**mt fuji:** the bourgeoisie 

**sprankton:** oh shit, felt 

**hydrosexual:** break free from your chains and smash that mf rt button 

**Celestia:** As enlightening as this was, I'd like to return to my dorm. Syo?

**of course i cum fast!:** so uh about that

**Stop DMing me:** Syo, have you gotten us lost?

**two trucks:** oh my god PLEASE say sike 

**high hopes:** you know i think i was brought to this school to experience shsl bad luck instead 

**detective princess:** my lord you people 

**hydrosexual:** what if they have to get rescued and the headline is "FIVE DUMBASS SYMBOLS OF HOPE FINALLY RESCUED FROM SCHOOL SANCTIONED SEX DUNGEON"

**of course i cum fast!:** OKAY you fucking pricks we are NOT LOST we just need to go back the way we came 

**of course i cum fast!:** what, are you all scared of a little tunnel action? virgins 

**high hopes:** syo….

**two trucks:** crikey was that another banging noise????

**sprankton:** zoinks scoob 

**high hopes:** i'm not scared i'm just, like, mildly inconvenienced by all this malarkey 

**detective princess:** one time u woke up to someone with a knife about to stab you, I'd be disappointed if this frightened you 

**hydrosexual:** EXCUSE ME WHAT

**two trucks:** UHHHHHHHH

**sprankton:** NAEGICHI??

**high hopes:** hope's peak traumacademy is more like it 

**hydrosexual:** ok naegi once you escape the dungeon we need to talk 

**detective princess:** don't worry i gave em the ol 1-2

**sprankton:** what kind of fucking vigilante secret life do you two have together???

**high hopes:** you don't wanna know 

**mt fuji:** i'm scared for you two

**of course i cum fast!:** less talky talky more walky walky!

**sprankton:** uh do yall see something up there 

**two trucks:** is it komaeda n nanami again??

**high hopes:** the

**of course i cum fast!:** AJDJFHDKDJDJ

**high hopes:** HJNFNFHFHFHXNN

**two trucks:** OH FUCKFJFMFMFMD

**sprankton:** SHITSHITSHITBDNDBSN

**hydrosexual:** GUYS WHAT'S WRONG

**detective princess:** shit i was kidding guys don't hurt yourselves

**mt fuji:** ….they all went offline 

**hydrosexual:** OHH MY GOD

**detective princess:** oh no.

**mt fuji:** i can't believe our friends are dead 

**senpai, kouhai [1:45 P.M] >**

**the twainer:** heeeey chihi…...

**the twainee:** OMG MONDO YOU BITCH I'VE BEEN TRYNA MESSAGE YOU ALL DAY 

**the twainee:** WHAT HAPPENED

**the twainer:** sorry i was kinda distracted 

**the twainer:** by the making out i was doing 

**the twainee:** MONDO HOLY F*CK

**the twainee:** IN THE PET SHELTER????

**the twainer:** fuck no 

**the twainer:** OUTSIDE the pet shelter 

**the twainee:** i?????? ahdhdjhsks?????? howzers????

**the twainer:** oh you wanna hear my fucking excellent shoujou ass confession?

**the twainee:** yes!!!

**the twainer:** basically i grabbed his hand and looked him dead in the eye and yelled "I WANNA DATE YOU PLEASE" and that was it

**the twainee:** god what a hunk you are

**the twainer:** can u not meme on me i've been fucking screaming internally for the past couple hours CHIHI I'M DATING THE BOY OF MY DREAMS

**the twainee:** you big softie you're such a dork

**the twainer:** no shut up i'm gonna kill you 

**the twainee:** try me 

**the twainer:** dude did u know everytime i've asked out a chick she's turned me down 

**the twainee:** maybe you should've started asking out boys earlier 

**the twainer:** yeh maybe but holy shit 

**the twainer:** ok catch ya later i'm gonna go punch the shit out of something 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [2:00 P.M] >**

**element:** Everyone!!! What happened in this chat while I was away???!!!

**element:** Yes, there  _ is  _ a tunnel system under the school building created for construction, but trespassing by students is strictly prohibited! As class president, I am ashamed!

**hydrosexual:** ishimaru, honestly it feels like they got their just desserts 

**high hopes:** that's one way to put it 

**detective princess:** what the hell happened to you guys???

**Stop DMing me:** Your worry is misplaced. It's all been taken care of.

**two trucks:** we are…. sworn into silence

**sprankton:** yeah what kuwachi said

**i've got fish to catch!:** …..yes

**hydrosexual:** oh she's back

**i've got fish to catch!:** no need to sound so excited

**element:** Regardless, what you've done is irresponsible and, frankly, dangerous! You all should reflect on your actions taken today!

**two trucks:** sorry papa

**jaa'm:** you know i'm really glad that muku and i were mia for that fiasco 

**yeck in a heck:** hey kyoudai you're totally right and you fuckers better listen to him 

**yeck in a heck:** but isn't there something more pressing rn

**mt fuji:** owo?

**element:** Yes… I apologize for letting my anger get the better of me.

**element:** The reason why I was gone today was because I was out shopping with Kyoudai.

**two trucks:** at the soup store?

**element:** No, at the pet store.

**element:** We got a dog!

**yeck in a heck:** and a boyfriend 

**hydrosexual:** OOOO DOG

**mt fuji:** DOGGGGGGGG

**jaa'm:** WHOA WAIT HUH 

**two trucks:** BROS?????

**element:** Oh, shoot, I didn't know we would tell them so soon…

**yeck in a heck:** we got a maltese and also kiyotaka and i are dating 

**yeck in a heck:** and if any of yall have a problem with that you can tell it to my motherfucking fist 

**mt fuji:**  wow just like ripping a bandaid off huh

**high hopes:** THIS IS SO MUCH TO PROCESS???

**detective princess:** congratulations guys

**hydrosexual:** i mean,,, took ya long enough???

**two trucks:** god i love my two gay dads

**mt fuji:** that's my line kuwata 

**Stop DMing me:** At least now we don't have to deal with you two faffing about like idiots.

**high hopes:** that's togaminese for "i'm very happy for you guys"

**element:** Well, everyone, thank you for your support!

**hydrosexual:** bitch i'm just surprised oowada is so calm 

**mt fuji:** cuz he just took his punching bag to pound town 

**yeck in a heck:** shutttt the hell UP

**two trucks:** as glad as i am that another pairing has solidified how homosexual this class is 

**two trucks:** i kinda wanna meet the new dog

**mt fuji:** omg omg can we name it pls ishimondo??

**jaa'm:** ishimondo?

**mt fuji:** it's a portmanteau darling 

**detective princess:** I'm intrigued how the dog was attained in the first place

**element:** Headmaster Kirigiri said as long as we were entirely self-sufficient and didn't cause any troubles, managing to take care of her and keep up our studies, it was not in his place to stop us!

**sprankton:** weird fuckin school man 

**mt fuji:** at least we have dog

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhat based on the fact that there are tunnels under my school that are illegal to enter, and also the fact that one of my old friend's younger brothers used to have his mother walk him on a leash  
> also, if you hadn't picked up on it, this story takes place in a talent development plan au. so even though there's no despair, enoshima has probably tried to kill naegi at some point (my sex drive is also blocked by rage)  
> in b/w last chapter n this one, i slipped back into my persona 4 obsession. send me good souyo fics pls


	8. the gang solves a mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kirigiri gets her scooby doo on and kuwata makes some poor life decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED my mental health has been (toilet flushing sound effect)  
> my math class is kicking my ass fully and completely and i just haven't felt up to writing the funnys  
> this chapter has been almost done for SO LONG i just couldn't connect it which is why everything is disjointed  
> hope u enjoy

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [10:44 A.M] >**

**hydrosexual:** i can't believe we named the dog scrungus 

**two trucks:** how DARE you insult little scrungie i would die for her 

**mt fuji:** ok but ishi calling her "scrungus-kun" can we officially say that she's a part of the class 

**jaa'm:** class rep! class rep!

**sprankton:** seconded

**two trucks:** first ishimaru adopts the dog, then the dog steals his position 

**hydrosexual:** outranked by a small white puppy 

**sprankton:** we're all below her lbr 

**high hopes:** tag yourself i'm togami saying he doesn't care about the dog but going down to see her anyways 

**Stop DMing me:** I have allergies. I wanted to see if it had long enough fur to irritate them.

**detective princess:** u knew the breed of dog. could've just googled it

**Stop DMing me:** And what, rely on secondary research? Poppycock.

**detective princess:** didn't seem all that bothered when she was jumping at your legs

**Stop DMing me:** The reaction is on my arms. Also, she got fur all over my pants. 

**high hopes:** togami will never admit he likes small fluffy animals 

**Stop DMing me:** Coming to this school was the worst mistake of my life.

**two trucks:** i miss little scrungie… she's all alone in the dorms _.  _ while we're, what, fucking around with trig identities? taking a nature walk?

**high hopes:** you know it's kind of weird we went on a nature walk during math class 

**element:** It's Lunch, Mondo's gone to check on her and make sure she's comfortable.

**hydrosexual:** i know they're dating and all but the switch from kyoudai to mondo is wiggin me out 

**high hopes:** i think it's sweet!

**detective princess:** you always were a romantic 

**high hopes:** huh? you think?

**hydrosexual:** as someone who fake dated naegi for like 45 minutes as practice to ask sakura out, can confirm he was the opposite of romantic 

**high hopes:** ASAHINA

**detective princess:** 45 minutes? really?

**hydrosexual:** never met a man who could cuck himself so easily 

**two trucks:** friends to lovers | fake dating au | slowburn | 130k

**hydrosexual:** i'm lems bien

**mt fuji:** naegi was the beta cuck mephiles warned us about 

**high hopes:** please stop bullying me i'm doing my best 

**hydrosexual:** hey fujisaki, nice entrance 

**mt fuji:** hey asahina! are any of you guys in the classroom? 

**detective princess:** me and ikusaba are doing homework together yeah 

**mt fuji:** can you check and see if my handbook is on my desk? i'm at my dorm bc i forgot something but it's not in my backpack 

**detective princess:** I don't see anything 

**mt fuji:** d*ng 

**sprankton:** you too fujichi?

**mt fuji:** wdym

**sprankton:** i ran to get something at the start of lunch but my handbook wasn't in my backpack and i never take it out 

**detective princess:** maybe it fell out during your sex dungeon spelunking adventures

**hydrosexual:** SPEAKIN OF WHICH YALL NEVER TOLD US WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED DOWN THERE 

**high hopes:** we're bearing the burden of truth for you guys' sake

**sprankton:** yeehonk, also it didn't bc i went to my dorm afterwards 

**hydrosexual:** wrong answer. i want to know.

**two trucks:** uh it may have had something to do with a certain head of security naruto running down the path at mach 20

**mt fuji:** lmao rEALLY 

**hydrosexual:** sakakura no jitsu??

**high hopes:** KUWATA WE WERENT SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE

**two trucks:** i fear no man 

**sprankton:** you should probably fear sakakura

**detective princess:** hate to interrupt, but we may have a problem on our hands 

**high hopes:** oh yeah?

**hydrosexual:** oya oya oya?

**detective princess:** I can't find my e handbook either. and I always carry it in the same pocket of my satchel  

**two trucks:** wait huh 

**two trucks:** UHHH WTF I CANT FIND MINE EITHER???

**hydrosexual:** bish wha me neither

**high hopes:** make that me threeithner? thought i just lost it though bc i do all the time 

**detective princess:** _ @everyone  _ sound off if you can't find your e handbook 

**element:** I always keep mine in my breast pocket, safe and sound! It's fine!

**jaa'm:** mine's gone what

**yeck in a heck:** yo what the fuck?? who the fuck took my handbook 

**Celestia:** Oh, dear. It seems mine has gone missing as well. That simply will not do.

**anime on main:** here to report that mine is still on my person 

**shaped like a friend:** I can't seem to locate mine

**veterans discount:** mine's fine. my backpack is quite literally password protected 

**i have fish to catch!:** i still have mine

**high hopes:** enoshima isn't in class today…

**detective princess:** @bimbofication meme e handbook y/n

**veterans discount:** i wouldn't count on her responding when she's absent 

**two trucks:** do we gotta scooby doo mystery on our hands???

**mt fuji:** zoinks man!

**detective princess:** this is very strange indeed 

**detective princess:** this... seems more like a pattern than a coincidence

**high hopes:** kirigiri's on the case!!!

**jaa'm:** the 78th class in: the case of the missing handbooks 

**veterans discount:** ruh roh raggy!

**two trucks:** so kirigiri is fred, right? 

**jaa'm:** i wanna be daphne!!

**mt fuji:** big velma energy over here 

**high hopes:** hagakure is definitely shaggy 

**sprankton:** i don't want to like…. do anything tho

**two trucks:** you're perfect for the job

**detective princess:** i will only accept this if togami is scooby

**Stop DMing me:** What? No. Why would I participate in this anyways? I haven't lost my handbook.

**high hopes:** have you checked?

**Stop DMing me:** I have no reason to.

**yeck in a heck:** lmao bitch u should check

**Stop DMing me:** You're all fools, you know that? My handbook is right where I left it.

**Stop DMing me:** …

**high hopes:** so what's the verdict 

**Stop DMing me:** …

**veterans discount:** this is orgasmic

**detective princess:** _ what's the verdict, togami  _

**two trucks:** should i buy the dog collar now or?

**shaped like a friend:** That isn't necessary, Kuwata 

**two trucks:** why is oogami always my impulse control 

**shaped like a friend:** No one else will do it

**two trucks:** that's fair 

**Stop DMing me:** The status of my handbook is irrelevant at this time. The point is, I refuse to act as a dog.

**sprankton:** you can be scooby in spirit 

**Stop DMing me:** Like that makes it any better. 

**detective princess:** ok shut up guys we have an actual mystery to solve 

**detective princess:** and shut up togami 

**hydrosexual:** why'd u say shut up twice? 

**detective princess:** mr affluent progeny deserves to be christened with his own 

**mt fuji:** ok gang let's go!

**element:** I'm concerned about this as well. What can I do to help, Kirigiri-kun?

**detective princess:** well, can everyone come to the classroom so we can discuss when we last saw our handbooks?

**two trucks:** ugh but i just uber eatsed some harvey's here 

**detective princess:** you have my condolences 

**mt fuji:** mystery gang assemble!

**detective princess:** we'll hold prelims and then the official investigation will start after school 

**yeck in a heck:** gotta say this is pretty fuckin annoying 

**hydrosexual:** life's annoying pal 

**high hopes:** we'll be there in a hot sec kiri

**jaa'm:** *scooby doo running noise*

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [2:30 P.M] >**

**detective princess:** alright so what we've got so far 

**detective princess:** everyone had their e handbooks last night. almost everyone had them this morning (hagakure couldn't corroborate) 

**detective princess:** fujisaki had theirs up until five minutes before class started. everyone else (except hagakure) remembers leaving for class with it

**sprankton:** i feel lowkey attacked 

**detective princess:** don't flatter yourself 

**detective princess:** also, enoshima wasn't in class today and hasn't been in contact 

**veterans discount:** and she isn't answering her door   

**high hopes:** wonderful

**element:** Kirigiri-kun, I'm sorry I can't be of much use.

**detective princess:** it's a clue in and of itself that yours hasn't been lost 

**detective princess:** I'm working under the assumption that this is a premeditated crime and not a coincidence. there's likely one perpetrator behind all of this

**jaa'm:** yo does anyone think kirigiri being all cool and detectivey is…. kinda hot

**hydrosexual:** yeah

**veterans discount:** mhm 

**two trucks:** i'm saying yea for myself and for my man naegi

**high hopes:** hey i think kirigiri is cool!! and she's pretty cute!!

**detective princes:** .

**detective princess:** thanks for your never-ending support. anyways.

**detective princess:** if there is one culprit, it means that there's a high chance that all the handbooks are in the same general vicinity 

**mt fuji:** so you think theyre somewhere in the dorms? 

**detective princess:** I think they are, yes 

**Celestia:** Something curious, though, Kirigiri-san.

**detective princess:** and what would that be celes

**Celestia:** Our nature walk during the morning.

**detective princess:** ah yes. the classroom was locked, but uninhabited, for a solid fifteen minutes 

**element:** I still had mine during the walk.

**high hopes:** yeah but you always carry yours on you right 

**detective princess:** ishimaru keeps his in his pocket, ikusaba keeps hers in her weird saw trap backpack 

**veterans discount:** yes

**detective princess:** @anime on main @i've got fish to catch where do yall keep yours 

**anime on main:** back'd pocket

**i've got fish to catch:** i just put mine in my fuku and hope for the best 

**yeck in a heck:** well where does that get us 

**detective princess:** everyone else who had theirs stolen kept them in their backpacks

**detective princess:** which were left unattended in the classroom 

**mt fuji:** sensei locked the door tho

**high hopes:** and everyone was together during the walk 

**detective princess:** not  _ everyone… _

**Stop DMing me:** Oh, I see where you're going with this. 

**high hopes:** oh shiz 

**veterans discount:** ah

**two trucks:** wait what are we supposed to be realizing 

**Stop DMing me:** Tell them, Naegi.

**high hopes:** @bimbofication meme you're the only one!

**yeck in a heck:** fucking enoshima of course 

**element:** I must admit, it is suspicious… Enoshima-kun, explain yourself.

**bimbofication meme:** huh

**bimbofication meme:** i wake up from a fever dream to 500 notifs of you guys slandering my name???

**high hopes:** why weren't you in class today?

**bimbofication meme:** i had a migraine dumbass 

**bimbofication meme:** you think i'd wanna be snorting quartics while i'm throwing up every fifteen minutes 

**mt fuji:** i think you're doing math wrong 

**bimbofication meme:** here i am, hacking up my fluids, and you have the AUDACITY to accuse me of theft???

**element:** Are you alright, Enoshima-kun?

**bimbofication meme:** thank u ishimaru for caring about my wellbeing, a lovely friend of mine brought me gatorade and soup to eat after resting so i am slurping down some chicken noodle as we speak 😌

**detective princess:** who?

**bimbofication meme:** irrelevant 

**bimbofication meme:** point is i didn't touch your handbooks. why would i want to anyways?

**high hopes:** why wouldn't you 

**detective princess:** you like to cause distress amongst the class

**mt fuji:** it wouldn't be the first time you pranked us

**yeck in a heck:** still haven't forgiven you for those toothpaste oreos 

**bimbofication meme:** lmao yeah good times fellas

**yeck in a heck:** NOT a good time, that is an affront to nature

**bimbofication meme:** tie me up, torture me, whatever. won't get a thing out of me 

**two trucks:** i feel like you'd get off to that 

**bimbofication meme:** :3c

**bimbofication meme:** yall prolly just lost em 

**detective princess:** highly improbable at best 

**detective princess:** case in point, I just found oowada's under your gaudy doormat 

**yeck in a heck:** WHAT

**bimbofication meme:** someone is clearly trying to frame me. isn't that a classic trope of detective stories?

**high hopes:** this is real life tho 

**bimbofication meme:** oh yeah. forgot 

**detective princess:** I really can't think of anyone except you 

**yeck in a heck:** ENOSHIMA YOURE FUCKING DEAD

**bimbofication meme:** oh? you're approaching me?

**bimbofication meme:** you're assuming they were stolen when the door was locked. how could i have got them?

**detective princess:** you have weird ties to the authority of this school 

**bimbofication meme:** and you don't?

**detective princess:** my appearance can be vouched for. yours cannot 

**yeck in a heck:** i'm fuckin convinced

**detective princess:** ah. celes's is under the dish rack

**Celestia:** Oh, dear. Is there damage?

**detective princess:** nah 

**Celestia:** Good. There may have been… consequences, otherwise.

**high hopes:** just admit it enoshima. if u did it, that is 

**bimbofication meme:** I DIDN'T

**bimbofication meme:** _ Sent an image. _

**mt fuji:** oof 

**jaa'm:** sis you look ROUGH

**bimbofication meme:** migraine isn't a sexey look babes 

**detective princess:** you're also a model? sick make up isn't hard I presume 

**bimbofication meme:** my contract says i'm not allowed to look not pretty 

**high hopes:** i believe kirigiri in all of this

**bimbofication meme:** to the surprise of no one 

**high hopes:** you're not building a very convincing case

**bimbofication meme:** you're helping her aintcha naegs, have you found yours 

**high hopes:** no

**detective princess:** oh, look. another one 

**detective princess:** and another.

**detective princess:** this person's hiding skills are pretty shabby huh?

**element:** Excellent work, Kirigiri-kun. How many does that make?

**detective princess:** give me a hot min bro

**detective princess:** ….that's all that were missing, sans naegi

**two trucks:** sans you say?

**jaa'm:** go take a french class 

**two trucks:** *pisses on your grave to the tune of megalovania*

**jaa'm:** :/

**detective princess:** I am assuming you're not going to deny a little fingerprinting test? 

**bimbofication meme:** i will not and u will find nothing babe 

**detective princess:** I happen to already have yours on file 

**mt fuji:** lmao that's you read enoshima 

**element:** And?

**detective princess:** ...nothing. but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. after all, she could've been wearing gloves. 

**bimbofication meme:** what's next, you test the ph of my toilet water to see if i actually threw up or not?

**detective princess:** you offering?

**bimbofication meme:** i flush, you absolute cretin

**bimbofication meme:** face the facts dearest kyouko-chan, your evidence is circumstantial at best and this is defamation of my character 

**element:** You both make good points. Perhaps one of the other students in a different class is the thief?

**detective princess:** and just happened to strike on the day we were outside? 

**bimbofication meme:** you have no actual proof

**yeck in a heck:** it's definitely enoshima 

**high hopes:** it's probably enoshima 

**Stop DMing me:** It's Enoshima.

**two trucks:** shit's funny. also it's enoshima. i want to feel included

**detective princess:** what do you have to say for yourself?

**mt fuji:** ….enoshima?

**bimbofication meme:** ugh sorry i was ralphing.  ph test still stands bro 

**detective princess:** k be there in a second 

**two trucks:** hard fucking core

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [3:34 P.M] >**

**element:** Results?

**detective princess:** this isn't over.

**bimbofication meme:** HA I WIN FUCKERS 

**bimbofication meme:** ONCE AGAIN I SUCCEED BY BEING INCAPACITATED 

**fujisaki said Fuck Work [8:49 P.M] >**

**veterans discount:** ew why tf does it smell like shit in the kitchen i just walked by

**two trucks:** uhm first of all??? how dare you say that about my cooking???

**mt fuji:** oh i was in the caf earlier that was you kuwata? 

**veterans discount:** the hell you doing? human transmutation?

**jaa'm:** please don't commit humanity's greatest taboo in our shared eating space 

**two trucks:** no i'm making ramen

**veterans discount:** you're doing it wrong 

**two trucks:** i'm cooking them in vape juice 

**veterans discount:** i

**jaa'm:** beg your pardon? 

**mt fuji:** kuwata what is wrong with you 

**shaped like a friend:** Okay, now I'm very concerned 

**two trucks:** i thought it would be funny but the fumes are making me kinda woozy

**jaa'm:** LEON WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

**two trucks:** FOR THE MEME SAYAKA

**two trucks:** bro it smells SO BAD

**veterans discount:** this is the result of your OWN hubris icarus

**element:** Kuwata-kun! Your poor food choices aside, possession of illegal substances such as nicotine is against the rules and must be confiscated!

**two trucks:** chill ishimaru, there's no nicotine in this stuff, it's just garbage water 

**two trucks:** also i paid a pretty penny for this fucking meme so you'll have to take it by force 

**veterans discount:** my favourite part of ishimaru being lawful good is that he's dating a gang leader 

**mt fuji:** no stop you're gonna cause cognitive dissonance in the poor boy

**element:** What I like about Mondo extends beyond his influence as a member of a biker gang. He is more than it. Digressing, I may have to see for myself whether you're telling the truth, Kuwata-kun.

**two trucks:** ugh fine dad 

**yeck in a heck:** get him taka, also ily babe

**element:** ILY as well! :)

**jaa'm:** this is cute and all but it's distracting us from leon's vape ramen 

**veterans discount:** remember when kuwata pulled out a usb stick and tried to smoke it to freak out usami 

**mt fuji:** it was one of the most emotionally devastating moments of my life 

**two trucks:** the ramen…. is done 

**two trucks:** bone fuck my ray romano blu ray 

**shaped like a friend:** Oh, great 

**element:** Kuwata-kun, you may make yourself ill if you try and eat that. I recommend you don't.

**yeck in a heck:** i think you should

**two trucks:** i'll let yall know how it goes 

**high hopes:** huh

**high hopes:** think i came in at a bad time 

**veterans discount:** is there ever a good time?

**high hopes:** good point 

**jaa'm:** have you found your handbook yet? 

**high hopes:** nope that's why i'm in here 

**detective princess:** enoshima what the hell did you do with his handbook 

**bimbofication meme:** bro i TOLD you i didn't do ANYTHING 

**detective princess:** press x to Doubt 

**element:** There are spare handbooks, I can fetch one from the Headmaster.

**high hopes:** nah i'll keep looking by myself, thanks though 

**veterans discount:** so, uh… the vape ramen?

**two trucks:** i threw up 

**jaa'm:** oh lord 

**two trucks:** celes would love it, it's some kind of cruel and fucking unusual punishment 

**two trucks:** that's a violation of the geneva convention what the hell i'm calling the police 

**yeck in a heck:** who are they gonna arrest? your dumb ass? 

**element:** Kuwata-kun...

**element:** You better drink some water and eat some saltine crackers. Maybe have an energy drink or ginger tea, then go to bed.

**two trucks:** am i being grounded 

**mt fuji:** arrested for vape crimes

**element:** I'm disappointed in you.

**detective princess:** I'm always disappointed in you 

**veterans discount:** junko we can see that you're still lurking 

**bimbofication meme:** where else do you get raw fucking entertainment like this? 

**yeck in a heck:** kuwata is a special breed of dumbass 

**bimbofication meme:** the despair of chumps such as you all is my life blood 

**jaa'm:** hey girl, if we're chumps, you're a chump 

**mt fuji:** you can't escape chumpdom

**two trucks:** SELF DIAGNOSED CHUMP

**element:** Go to bed, Kuwata-kun.

**two trucks:** it's only 8pm

**element:** You'd be correct.

**veterans discount:** translation: did i fucking stutter?

**two trucks:** what do with the mango ramen 

**bimbofication meme:** leave it. i want some

**jaa'm:** did you miss the fact that leon threw up

**bimbofication meme:** when muku and i lived on the streets, my stomach became an appendix. i can handle anything 

**mt fuji:** that can't be good 

**jaa'm:** you were sick all day???

**veterans discount:** you got appendicitis, junko. you don't have an appendix anymore

**veterans discount:** you almost died 

**bimbofication meme:** OK TBF I THOT IT WAS JUST CRAMPS OK 

**two trucks:** each day we unlock more enoshima lore

**two trucks:** also i REALLY don't think you should eat that unless you want to ascend to a plane of pain not experienced by humans 

**jaa'm:** and you had a migraine the whole day what???? girl??????

**bimbofication meme:** dw my meat is huge and my stomach ph is 0.1

**mt fuji:** i'm not a sciencer but i feel like that would destroy your body from the inside 

**jaa'm:** not replying to me huh. fine

**jaa'm:** that adds a new meaning to eating out

**two trucks:** SAYAKA

**veterans discount:** babe i love u holy shit 

**jaa'm:** *gasp* you love me? 

**veterans discount:** wait i was going to say that for the first time defending you from hordes of robots

**veterans discount:** i blew it on the drug ramen conversation 

**jaa'm:** it's okay i love you too <33

**two trucks:** be romantic on your own time some of us don't have girlfriends 

**mt fuji:** kuwata if u go to bed now maybe you'll dream about a girlfriend 

**two trucks:** i can't do that, whenever i want to dream about cute girls my brain doesnt agree and keanu reeves astral projects himself into my sleep realm

**jaa'm:** that's the opposite of a problem 

**two trucks:** not when he's laughing at me because my car broke down on the way to baseball and then all my teeth fall out 

**veterans discount:** you have some weird anxiety dreams pal 

**kirigiri kyouko > naegi makoto [kirigiri appreciation zone 😤] [8:59 P.M]**

**murder kink:** hey naegi

**eggiest:** what's up?

**murder kink:** found your e handbook?

**eggiest:** no dice :/ better call me the shsl unlucky student, right?

**murder kink:** I'll ask again, need help?

**eggiest:** i think i might just ask ishimaru for a spare 

**murder kink:** you could sleep in my room if you want 

**eggiest:** wHA 

**eggiest:** huh

**eggiest:** no no that's fine 

**murder kink:** do you not trust me? 

**eggiest:** hUH NO.

**eggiest:** I MEAN YES??

**eggiest:** i trust you!

**eggiest:** but isn't it against the rules not to sleep on your own dorm? 

**murder kink:** there's a serial killer in our class 

**murder kink:** if you don't want to, that's fine, I'm not going to force you. but I thought I should offer 

**eggiest:** it's not that i don't want to

**eggiest:** uh want sounds weird 

**eggiest:** it's more like i don't want to impose

**murder kink:** I'm offering 

**eggiest:** oh ok jeez

**eggiest:** if you're cool with it??

**murder kink:** I am, as they say, cool with it

**eggiest:** ok. cool 

**eggiest:** wait all my clothes are in my room how am i going to sleep without my hoodie and my jeans 

**murder kink:** you can wear some of my sweats

**murder kink:** even though they might be too big for you ;)

**eggiest:** hEY 

**eggiest:** i'll be there soon 

**Date: ??? Time: ???**

**enoshima junko > matsuda yasuke (boutta mcfrickin lose it)**

**token hot bitch:** yasuke lmaO i just #pranked the chumps in my class 

**pull the trigger piglet:** the hell did you do this time 

**token hot bitch:** RUDE you think it's bad already!!

**pull the trigger piglet:** the word pranked has dubious connotations at best 

**token hot bitch:** don't u wanna hear my story 

**pull the trigger piglet:** make it quick it's very late

**token hot bitch:** awwight en bref: i stole a bunch of dork ass losers' e handbooks and hid them around the dorms

**pull the trigger piglet:** yeah sounds like you 

**token hot bitch:** i sense your contempt dearest yasuke and all i have to say is chill

**token hot bitch:** watching them run around like they're in an episode of scooby doo was, how u say, pure euphoria 

**token hot bitch:** but like. a pup named scooby doo. because those were the best 

**token hot bitch:** also i kinda used u as a patsy so please if kirigiri comes to you say you brought me gatorade and soup bc i was sick 

**token hot bitch:** i mean i was sick actually 

**token hot bitch:** u know what i mean 

**pull the trigger piglet:** Good Lord.

**pull the trigger piglet:** you're a nightmare in high heels u know that right junko 

**token hot bitch:** but you love me anyways right yasu?? <33333

**pull the trigger piglet:** whatever helps you sleep at night 

**token hot bitch:** don't be mean :(

**pull the trigger piglet:** ok dumbass i'm going to sleep lmk if you have anymore brilliant ideas 

**token hot bitch:** night you saucy saucy man 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't that funny but o well

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this hot slurry of nonsense. there will be more  
> dr tumblr is @sai-haras like always  
> (the other chapters will prolly be longer)


End file.
